The first day at my job was great there is so much to learn and our instructor is a bit unforgiving but my co workers all seem friendly and I think I can easily fit in with them because they are very welcoming I think some of the people of my Hispanic race don't think I know Spanish because my skin is whiter than theirs.

Tomorrow I start my first day of work I hope everything will turn out fine. My mind is starting to think of the past again and I really miss the days when I had nothing to worry about. I need a girl I can call my own.

I can almost feel her lips shaking and begging in fear crashing against mine garbing on to me for dear life praying the moment can last for an eternity because she has only seen me in her dreams she cant feel the ground or hear the world around her because she is flying on cloud 9 with me in the sky.

I am going to collage soon and I am thinking about my future but again I am starting to get depressed. I think it is because nobody cares about me. The only person that really listens now is just my computer the life I have been living is sad and disgraceful to my family I just wish I could feel confident instead of hiding my own beliefs to them. When I die and go to heaven I will have a very long talk with god about why I did not meet a really nice girl when I was young.

Today I woke up with a bad stomach ace because I drank too meany energy drinks at night. I did not sleep until 5 am I will never try that again.

I am starting to relax back to my normal self now but the pressures I went through are still around like an odd oder that sticks on clothing. I might be taking a nice mental health day by myself tomorrow at the library hopefully I can get about 10$ to pay for some books I turned in late

Today I got a job at a Mexican restaurant it made me feel happy because

I can keep my mind much more occupied on something else than bad fellings

As my mind slowly drives away from what happened a couple of days ago I am finding happiness easier to reach But I am slowly becomeinmg latharginc once more

I am hitting the gym again soon because I don't want to lose everything I did through the summer

I came back but I would rather not talk about boot camp for now lets just say there were some problems. Today I feel worthless and lost but feels like it will be perfect for a mental health day I hope I can get the feeling of guilt I have out of my mind its just too much for me to handle it feels like the size of a large pick up truck

My body wants to throw up really bad I have been failing on keeping my body healthy recently and I hope this new found depression wont destroy me some times I wish I can find a large expansion of wilderness and scream to the top of my lungs

I really think I will be going to boot camp today part of me wants to go and the other wants to dig a 6 foot hole and drown myself in my tears I am sad and scared out of my mind at the same time I don't want to mess up on anything while I am there I should have exercised allot more because right now I fell really unprepared One time I told My mom that sometimes I wish I could just surround myself in a dark world where there is no earth, no people, no worry, no hate and just sleep for a long time when I told her this she said that that option is only possible in death My depression is really hammering away at me right now I don't know if I will be able to get through it all of this I should have just found a job and work out for one year until I was in a good physical form I feel really stupid

in the end I guess all I can do is sigh and try to ignore my fears and worrys

today i hung out with the guys once more at mcdonalds

it was cool forgetting about boot camp for a bit.

I might be leaving for boot camp tomorrow depending if they still feel that I can go without my drivers license. They have a computer there so if I get the chance I will post a definite yes or no if I am leaving.

I am getting really nervous and scared because what I am reading about boot camp sounds like hell compared to the training we do in rsp. If I dont go then I will be sure to give my body hellany way so I can get an Idea of what boot camp might feel like if I follow some drills from home throgh the internet

im gona hang out with the guys now bye blogg....

I feel like in a much better mood now

I think I have excepted my fate to become an adult

My fears and concerns about boot camp are almost gone and

I feel like it wont be as bad as I think it will

I just hope I am right...

Today I said goodbye to my chat room

it was sad but I had to do it I am starting to feel sad now...

I think I am going to miss my family more than they can imagine

sometimes I think to myself that nobody cares about my life...

and sometimes i still ask myself if anyone feels like me..

or am i alone?

Today I let my recruiter down ant told him that I did not get my drivers licence I feel ashamed and I feel terrible because it might have set him in in a very uncomfortable position I hope i still get to basic training I am starting to get tired of living in my house now.

this is the video I took a while back with me and my friends

i was so happy that day

today turned out rally sad but for some reson I am feeling really happy right now for no reson and I hope it lasts :D

I have no idea what came over me but I like it.