ED THE FALLEN ONE

2012-01-30T17:04:00.001-08:00

I took a small video of my dog today.

2012-01-09T06:20:00.001-08:00

Its 2012 and I am still in the same position I was in since my last post. I still can't find a job and I think I will really go back to Illinois. My family does not want me to leave but I know I cant depend on them for all my needs. I always get depressed thinking about all of this so I try to keep myself occupied.

I wish I had a girlfriend to love. Being alone and unwanted is probably the most painful feeling a guy can have. I keep asking my god were i should go from here but I still haven't got an answer.

Things need to change soon.

2011-12-02T03:33:00.001-08:00

Its been a few days here with my family and I already feel the stress of depending on others. My depression is definitely back but not at full force.

I can't stay here for long I need to find the same motivation I did back in Illinois. My moms cooking is making me sluggish and I feel like I'm getting too comfortable. Its not bad food but since we only eat Mexican dishes its getting difficult moving around without feeling lazy.

I'm starting to get really angry at myself for leaving. My family is important but I'm doing nothing with my life and just hating the world I see everyday is not helping either.

Were is my wife God?
I'm an honest guy just looking for love :'(

2011-11-14T15:32:00.001-08:00

Today is the day I leaving Illinois everything is going surprisingly smooth and just as well the weather is freezing I hope my next pay check that comes will be enough to pay for most of my debts I just want to go home and rest.

2011-11-10T04:53:00.000-08:00

I am so sad but I have no idea why...
I hope its not my depression...

I quit my job and I am spending the last five days I have here the best way I can. To be honest I will miss this place, it taught me how to value my life and that I can meet new people if I stick my hand out a little. I think I might come here next summer to work again if I don't find a job back home. I feel like I could have done more if I met a girl to love here it was a little difficult not knowing anyone.
I hope my dad will buy alot of beer when I get home I have not had a taste in a while.

I hope im going the right way with this life I have.

2011-10-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

I finally broke down after 6 months
My sister called me (I think she was holding back crying)
she wanted me to come home.
I told her I would leave on November the 15th so now I am just passing time here trying to figure out what I am going to do next when I get there. I have thoght of going back a couple of times but now that I learned how serious life was about a week ago all I can do is think of is how I will spend my last youthful years to their fullest. I think its about time I find a wife I feel ready in both my mind and body. But I dont plan in marrying until age 24 (right now im 20) hopefully it works out.

I am going to miss everyone I met here, they helped me learn the lesson I needed.
I hope it leaves a deep scar in my mind so I will never forget it. Weather I see it or not my existince and understanding of the world around me is a miricle itself. I must live my life too its fullest because its too short and precious to waste crying over the pain.

My sister and my family need me, I cant wait to go home.

2011-09-30T12:24:00.000-07:00

Today I was in the shower thinking about my life and were it is at this point. I realized I am now halfway though my youth and that soon my adult life will start then my death... As I was showering I realized that one day my body wont exist in this world and all the feelings I have, all the people I have hugged, the feeling life itself will be gone from me. I always thought of death as a bad dream that could go away and I could get up the next day as usual. As I held the soap in my hand I began to faint of the very idea that one day my body will become dust. I felt that my efforts in this world will have no evidence upon the new generation. I snapped out of it and realized how serious death is. It made me realize that I am taking my life for granted. I just hope the day I die wont be painful and I could die in my sleep. I keep thinking my brain and all the nerves in my body will suffer due to the loss of blood flow. I think now that I am able to understand how much time I have left here before I die, I want to live my life to the fullest. I cant belive how stupid I was not relizeing this sooner

the soap in my hand had never felt better in my entire life...
some day I wont be able to wash my own back...
I hope my life can change the world I dont want to be forgotten...

2011-09-22T05:05:00.000-07:00

I am not sleeping on the floor anymore, ever since I got my own place it has been painful for my rib cage and hip areas. Today a nice lady did me a great kindness and brought me a sofa and a bed. I am so happy people like her still exist I offered her money but she did not want it. My back feels much better but I will still need to work hard if I am going to make a living here on my own. I also fixed the blinds in my room and now its much more darker, I hope this will help me sleep off during the day better.

My depression is a little better now that I have some comfort in my own home. I never thought living on my own would be this difficult. Hopefully things improve I am planing to move into the Chicago city area some time after the summer of 2012. There I plan to attend a very good college.

for now I need to survive this loneliness I am feeling...

2011-09-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

I like staring at myself...
I feel like I could almost talk to my reflection.

I hate thinking my face is only temporary, that soon my hair will fall and wrinkles will remind me of my slow death later in life

2011-09-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

Today I feel very lonely I miss my parents, my sister and my old life. I feel like if I don't find a friend or a proper place here by Christmas I might just go back. I hope I find my reason soon Im on the verge of falling into another depression... god help me...

2011-08-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

<- I took a picture of my new refrigerator.

I am living alone for the first time in my life I still cant believe how fast I am taking this all in. I am renting a room and it is very hot and humid here because there is no air conditioning. My new job is challenging but it definitely feels more stable but my food is very short and every day I feel like my body cant keep up with my changes. My nose has been bleeding every time I shower and I feel like fainting at work. My depression seems in control for now but I think during the holidays I will go insane, during that time I wont be able to see my family, because of work. I don't have any furniture so I am always laying on the floor If I lean on the wall my back starts hurting.

I could have dismissed how uncomfortable I am here but even my body has begun to break out pimples under all the stress and I have lost about 15pounds. For now all I have to eat is ramen soup and soda NOTHING else except water. Luckily I will be getting paid again in 3 days but I will need to be very careful with my money.

I notice my way of writing is more rushed and formal I hate it I think its because I am so stressed. Maybe once I can buy good furniture like a chair or a desk for my laptop I can let go of all my tension...

I feel like i need a hug from someone...

I feel like I don't make sense even to myself anymore...

what in the world am i doing here? :'(

maybe I just need sleep... at least there I am happy...

2011-07-31T00:03:00.000-07:00

my depression is getting bad and I miss my parents

but I need to stay strong and find a way to live here.

My life will only be wasted in my old room if I go back.

sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life

I feel like when I am older I will be very angry for wasting my youth.

I know if someone loved me this felling I have would go away

I wish I could hold a girl in my arms and call her mine

I need someone to show me that they care that I am alive...

Its a sad gut wrenching lonely felling I know my family cant lift.

I can feel it on my chest like im drowning in my own sad emotions

as if the world turned dark and no matter how much i swam upward I could never surface for air.

I know its not correct of me to desire it but sometimes I feel like heaven with my god is the only place I belong. As an innocent being in my past none of these stupid ideas ever bothered me all I cared about was playing outside feeling the warm earth under my feet.

I hope my desires for life after death are not false.

this world would be very scary without it.

I wonder sometimes if my feelings trully ever reach my god...

mabye he has grown tired hearing me cry over them...

2011-07-29T20:47:00.001-07:00

Things have been getting sour since I moved to Illinois.

Me and my cousin are not geting along. I dont know why she is mean to me I never did anything to her. I try to ignore her as much as i can so I wont get in her way, But I dont think she can even go a single day without saying anything negitive to me. To day I decided not to leave my room hoping she would leave me alone. I was cleaning my bed and it was going well for a few hours, then she pushed my door open and told me to clean my carpet. She looked inside my room and saw my bed was half way done and told me "I like how you did your bed" she said it in a sarcastic voice and I said I was actually cleaning it when she came in. She said "uhu right". She left me alone for a few more hours then she opened my door again without knocking and said hey you want pizza? I told her no and she said "Are you just going to sit in your room all day? this is why i hate you!". After that she took my wet clothing from the washer and left it in the garage and un-friended me on facebook.

A couple of days ago I was washing my clothing minding my own business and she came in following me and said "what are you doing?" I told her I was just trying to dry my clothing and she said "did you use soap?" I said no there was not any left for me she said "why didn't you go to the store?" I told her I had no money finally she told me "whats wrong with you you could have broken the washer!" she got angry and slammed the door

I wish she could just leave me alone...

2011-07-04T01:11:00.001-07:00

its 3am I just had a dream I was in an apocolypse were me and a team of 15 were trying to find a way to defeat an alien invasion. They did not listen to me and they broght a few of the female aliens as test subjects because of them I was sucked into an aliens throat and I was becoming food for its young

2011-05-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am out of a job again and my credit card is running dry fast. But this time my situation to get a job is a little more improved now that I have a laptop, a good phone and paid school hopefully this time around things will get better. Mia stopped talking to me for a while now and I think its better that way because honestly I am still not ready to face her yet. I have been stressing out lately over nothing and I really wish I could stop I wake up 3 time a night from nightmares and its really killing my sleep. For now Ill see how it goes I think I only have 2 more months before I crack wide open so hopefully I will find a job before then.

2011-03-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

Life lately has been intense. I wake up every day at 4am and get ready to lift 400lb couches and boxes for the company i work for. My depression has only bothered me in the mornings when I try to get up, sometimes i cry a little in the shower. But thankfully god gave me a strong mind to give my own body hell and push it to its limits. My credit card bills are almost paid and my family is benefiting somewhat from my income. Me and my boss seem to have settled our differences and I think as long as I don't mess up too much our bond will be solid.

Girls however seem to surprise me I dont understand how a good guy like me with no criminal record and an amazing job cant get a normal girl. For now my job is taking up most of my time so its easy to avoid the subject that also means my posts for now will be less frequent until i can find a more easy going work place environment.

I hope this time my life can start picking up I have had enough of running around getting in trouble with my friends.

2011-02-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite bloggers took down their site so now im back to searching for a new blogger that shares similar interests. I wont quit so easily on my blogg first I need to be broken in my heart before i let it go. Work has been tough but me being the sturdy guy I am I think ill manege. The future looks bright on my love life too Im starting to talk to girls again and with a little luck ill be able to get myself a new girl by the end of this year.

2011-02-12T21:34:00.000-08:00

Today I relaxed after a rough week of work.

2011-01-31T13:46:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago I joined a dating web site.
So far so good I have been lowering my standards so I can meet as much girls as I can and I have been able to find some cute girls there but none have really messaged me back yet. My best friend rumel is leaving my neighborhood so I guess my man cave wont be disturbed as often. My dad forced me to eat a hole meal filled with grease and oil. Im really angry at him because my diet is pretty much ruined and I wont be able to eat in 7hours. I like to snack my way through the day eating small pices of bread or cherrios but he really went all out on me today. I told him to calm down that I am not dieing of hunger, I guess he can bear to look at me not reaching for a bag of oreos or chips now and again.

my head hurts from eating all that oily potato he made for me.
810calories jeez what a drag..

2011-01-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

I just got Internet on my computer again so that means I will be able to blog more frequently. I have been on my diet now for a hole week and I have almost given up half way through it but now I think I will stick to it. It almost feels weird using my computer again. My boss is coming in about a week and a half so today I'm going to exercise until he comes back. Hopefully by then my body will be healthy enough to support the heavy labor.

Getting ready for a new hell.

2011-01-18T11:46:00.001-08:00

Well my first week of vacation is over leaving me with only two weeks. My job is not easy so I thought I could work out a bit before this relaxing time is over. But lately all I have been doing is dieting by limiting my meals. If I find some courage in me today I might go but so far it does not feel that way.

My depression is coming and going almost as if I was bipolar. My video games put it off but I sometimes tear up alone at night.

A new start.

2011-01-10T14:39:00.001-08:00

Mia and me are talking again after about a year of silence. I'm not so sure how to take it all in...

I got my phone after about 2 weeks of work. But the bill is really expensive. Today is promised myself I would start working out but I don't feel like actually doing it. I really hope my life starts getting better all this loneliness is really killing me inside.

2010-12-19T15:17:00.000-08:00

Its almost christmas time and I fell a bit down.
I should feel happier but things are not going good for mia and me. From what she told me she is going to arizona. Even thogh she is moving I still dont want to see her, mabye because it might bring back sad fellings.
I started teaching a person about 32 years of age how to use a computer. When she paid me yesterday for what I did I went ahead and took my mom and my sister out to eat. Rynan is coming back from boot camp and he is probably going to rub it in my face about how stupid I was fo not joining him. Starting in the 22nd of december I am going to try a new job opportunity as a mover for a company simillar to U-Haul if this turns out to be my dream job then I think I might get a new phone quiker than I thoght.

A few days ago I asked god to send me a girl my way but I guess he is too busy with more important things. Its ok thogh I did not really expect anything to really happen but it makes me sad thinking its going to be a very cold and lonely winter...

2010-11-22T17:06:00.000-08:00

Im at the library again just trying to kill time.
A couple of days ago Rumel brought Dylan, S and W and we played truth or dare. Then things started getting weird. I was on the left side to S and she was dared to kiss me. But it felt just like C did in my dream a few days back! Rumel stopped reading my blog so I was the only person freaking out there. We stayed in my room till 1:00am daring each other into doing other things like making out. W changed from what I could remember from my highschool days but to be honest I just did not like her, as a possible girlfriend thogh she was very warm wen I sat with her. I am still trying to work out my job situation but its looking more grim with each day. My sister is turning 18 soon so I hope I can get drunk and meet some one new at her party.

Every day it feels like I am wasting away my life all because people on this planet need money to do favors for people. If god is watching us in heaven I sure hes sad to look at the amount of greed humans have. All I want is food, Internet, women, and a small room in japan.

2010-11-10T19:24:00.000-08:00

I am trying to get a new job at a crusie ship and everything seems to be going ok so far. My life as of late has been filled with nothing but anime shows and japanese songs late into the night. The next term for collage is about to start but since I STILL do not have any money to support myself its seems that I will just have to keep waiting. Ive been listening to some of my old music at night and it makes me sad to relize im geting old. On that note I relized yester day that for the first time in my life I actually had a beard.
I really wish I had internet at home so I could keep this blog updated but it seems fate has other plans Oh well....

2010-10-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

I am not dead.
This is an update to my blogg.
If I ever stop for a year then I am 100% dead.

Any way last night I had a dream of a girl forn ow I will call her C.
I was siting with my back against a concrete wall. I was siting next to C and to friends C sat next to my right foot ant the others to my left. She wore short jeans and a gray/black t-shirt. I told C I was sad because of how lonely I was on the planet and she started looking sad. My butt hurt from sitting but I stayed with her and her friends because in real life I almost never talk to her,because I am so shy.

Out of noware my shoes were gone I was wearing gray socks and then I look to her and she was wearing thin black socks. Ignoring the awkward situation I was in I started talking to her friends. Then she moved about 3 of her toes on the center of my foot. I started to question if she was actually flirting with me or if she forgot my foot was there. To check I moved my toes just slightly to she what she would do.

Then she sat next to my right side and started petting my chest. (not sure why but I was buff lol) Anyway I could not move after that my heart was pounding so heard I could even hear it! she grabbed my arm and held it against her body and hugged it as if it was a teddy bear. Realizing SHE WAS FLIRTING I grabbed her hand tightly. She placed her head on my shoulder and I placed her head on hers my body started to feel warm and I FELT REALLY REALLY HAPPY then she looked at her friends hwo were to my left and started talking to them. Then I saw her face clear as day.

I felt so happy and warm and then I started to pant because my heart was going to explode. I woke up laying right side flat on my bed with a BIG smile on my face. I kind of wish I could sleep forever sometimes because this world sucks. The real life C would never flirt with me sometime I think she only talks to me out of pitty.

I lost my job as a pizza guy so that sucks. Mia talked to me a couple of days ago and asked me why I am keeping her on hold for all these months. But what I did not tell her is that I still love her and that after all this time I think of her too. I just hope god has a new plan for me soon because if things stay the way they are I am really screwed.

2010-09-22T09:17:00.000-07:00

I lost my Internet so and my job at the pizza place so I had to wait about 20 days for school to start so I could use their Internet. Other than that things have been the same as usual with my depression coming and going and money strains in our family. But my sister says her god mother might be able to get me a job soon.

My mind keeps thinking of anime club and how I am going to go about impressing a girl there.
hopefully it all works out.

I have high expectations for this year.
Hopefully god smiles upon me and gives me good fortune.

2010-08-13T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about a girl I like recently.
I want to ask her if she would go out with me. but I am tired of getting my whole world crushed when I realize they don't like me back. I think she just talks to me out of pitty, I wish I knew so I would stop wishing for her every night I close my eyes.

This life I live is just not worth it if all I do is beg for just one person to love me.

2010-08-09T16:51:00.000-07:00

My depression is so strong at the moment I hope its just a simple mood swing. If I had a girlfriend then mabye living on this planet would not hurt so much.
my life sucks...
I hate myself...
people hate me...
I just dont see the point anymore...

2010-07-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

My friend ryan is leaving in a few days. I think I might miss him later though. I hope this wont have too much impact on me. Rumel is back mostly to his old self and my parents are trying to find a place to live. I feel like everyone has something to do except me. I just wish I had a girl to fill the hole mia left in my heart.

2010-07-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday me and my 2 friends rumel and ryan went to a strip club called jiggles. I was nervous because it was my first time and my family had no idea were I was going. Coming in I expected the building to smell bad and have a very high temperature. Instead it was cool and the smell was clean with a light cent of perfume.

We sat down at a table for a while and then we made our way to the pole. I thought the girl was so amazing she was young and she had a small chest. She shoved her head on my lap and smiled, she bit my finger and the money away from me. I gave her 3$ for the dance then after that we went to the table again to talk.

It was relaxing for a while then an a slim girl came and sat next to me. She asked if it was our first time at the club and I said yes she tried to get me to pay for a lap dance. I told her I wanted to look for other girls and she looked angry after that and left.

We let an hour fly by as girls came and left the pole. Another girl approached me she was Hispanic and called herself Rodeo. She was short, her head reached my shoulders. Her butt was about the size of 2 gallons of milk put together, her hair was wild and she had two pigtails coming from the back, she was VERY tan, she wore a sports jersey and black thin pantys. She smelled like smoke, flowers, a light dash of perfume and just a pinch of fruit.

WARNING: IT GETS DIRTY FROM HERE SO STOP READING IF YOU ARE GROSSED OUT ALREADY

She told me I did not look like I was having fun. I told her I was sad because my credit card was not working. She told me the dances were only 20$ and that the bar tender could help me. I told her I would think about it. She said ok and got up and left. Half an hour passed and she came to the pole I gave her two dollars she looked at me and told her to move up my seat. She took off her top and got on top of me and breathed in my ear. She asked me if I was ready for a private dance and I said yes. We went up to the counter and used the credit card. then I was taken top a small booth.

she took off her top and the slowly rubbed her body on mine. she started breathing in my ear again and she placed her breasts on my face. She placed her left nipple in my mouth and she giggled. she she said are you ready? I said yes the she fiercely rubbed her body all over me and she turned around and sat on me. She layed back and placed her head on my right shoulder. She looked at me and I looked at her nipples as she rubbed them. then it was just a constant thrusting motion after that. At the end she said are you ok now? and I said yes and she said aww thank you she hugged me and I was a bit scared to hug her back because I was not sure if it was allowed.

The rest of the night was a bit boring but I could not sleep for about 4 hous because I keept thinking how she almost breast fed me with mer left nipple :)

her body looks like this>

I hope that was not too dirty I just wrote what really happened. I am actually felling a bit guilty for still not telling my dad were I was.

2010-07-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

My family is planning to move soon
but I am not sure if they are actually taking it seriously
Being Mexican in the united states is a very hard struggle
If they have their way I will be off to either Mexico or California
tensions are building on my dads shoulders and I am worried about our future

2010-07-17T21:10:00.001-07:00

My sister promised to buy a bass guitar for me if I go to Mexican partys with her to meet new people and hopefully get a girl

Today I held the guitar in the store and I felt happy because for a second I felt like a total rock star

2010-07-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

today is my one year anniversary posting my life here
i feel old now...

2010-07-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

My emotions recently are mixed and I feel frustrated being in my own body.
I am not depressed but I do feel sad and worthless
I wish I could fly away to the heavens nobody will hurt me there. :(

2010-06-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

Summer school is starting now and I am exited about how things will turn out
I will try to exercise again starting to tomorrow hopefully my mom will stop making fatty foods
I hope I can make more friends this time around I fell like I have missed out alot in life
my sister might not go to collage in a way I think that is good for me since I can still have more appreciation in my home
Mia talked to me again and I told her how I felt I think I hurt her feelings but it was good to clear up how I felt about her we are still friends but she still wants to see me again
I also got a pen pal from japan so might be able to have a forgin friend

Maybe if I try my best to exercise and study the wold will help me out too
I just hope it keeps its end of the deal...

2010-06-11T23:41:00.000-07:00

I just want to enjoy life and fall in love with another person is that so difficult to ask from the world?
This is pushing me to the idea to exercise just to impress a girl
I just wish it did not need to be that way...

My long lost cousin of eleven years of age is here for the summer. He comes from my dad's side of the family and so far he is an ok kid though he is a bit hyper active but I guess I was that way too until I turned 9 when I came to Oregon. My depression is still having affect on me but hopefully with my first collage term over now these few days of vacation I have can some how ease the pain. I am expecting change soon either coming from me or from the world. My dad has promised me a bass guitAr but I don't think he will actually do good on his word especially with our position with money.

Oh god what kind of place is this?

2010-06-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

With the school term coming to a close and my depression down again for now I feel like I am rediscovering life again ever since my hole army scandal
I am still looking for love and I did begin to make friend contact with a girl but I don't think she is interested

I feel like this will be a new start in my life its been a long time since I have felt care free
hopefully it will be better from here.

2010-05-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

It was a nice day
but then my depression hit and now I feel sick...
were are you god? its been a while since my life felt happiness...
Maybe I should take sleeping pills to make the world go away its so disgusting looking at people...
They only hurt me and they never really want love me.
They are only nice because its their job or because I see them now and again...
They are the ones full of lies when they say good things to me.
They don't really want to be friends they just want to progress in their own obsessions.
I try my best to be friendly but they all look at me as if i were nuts.
Is it so difficult to find real love from one person?
Am I doomed to walk the earth alone?
I wonder how long I can go like this...

2010-05-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

Today me and my friends went for a car ride in the central city and we ended up it a run down area any way we turned around and as we did I saw a beautiful young woman about age 23 takeing a poop near a trash can in an ally. I laughed so hard I could not even breathe and in a way it was the best part of my day.

lol im weird I know :D
but It made me forget about all my problems in my life

2010-05-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

School for this term is coming and end and soon summer will be starting soon.
I have decided to keep studying because my dad really wants me to graduate as soon as possible I am taking writing class again an i am also taking Japanese 1 as a personal pleasure so I can finaly understand what I am listening to and not just listen to the beats that jpop music makes.I am thinking I might drop Japanese if my family is still in a tough spot with money.

My desires for a new girlfriend are still strong but I cant figure out how to talk to one. everybody here seems very unapproachable and lifeless some even more than me. The few girls I sort of liked here either don't like me or I am not just their type.

I am supposed to be studying right now but I am tired of school and all of its crap its thrown at me. Or maybe I am tired of living my own life i'm not sure but something is definitely wrong right now... I feel like I have lost hope in love and happiness. I am even tired of my favorite music... I want to do so many things in life but right now I just don't have the money to do it.

Dang life sucks I cant wait till I die and go to heaven.I will surely find peace on a lonely cloud...

2010-05-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

Today I dreamed I was in another dimension and in this dimension people did not rot after dieing so their bodies were floating in an ocean of their own blood. it was really gross and for some reason i saw my moms body floating in the ocean too then I woke up. I'm not sure why I had this dream I don't have any problems of this magnitude at the moment.
im sure it will pass...

2010-05-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

Today my family was mean to me and my dad called me stupid because I did not want to help him. My sister said I was ugly and my mom yelled at me. Its at times like these when I like to think about my childhood and remember how much they loved me back then.

2010-05-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

I feel as if today the world was against me :(
This hell kills me every day ripping away at my mind...
I wish I could grow wings and fly away...

nobody loves me except my family...
but even they don't care enough the worst part is that they have no idea who I really am

I hope that I don't kill myself when I am older I don't know how many more years I can go on being single

On that note if I stop writing here for more than a year I might be dead

2010-04-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

School here is very lonely nobody talks to each other and studying is pretty much all I do. The only thing I liked so far are the free computers and the peaceful environment it brings. I have made acquaintances with people here but I still don't have any friends. My depression is still under wraps for now but I don't think I can hold it back any longer. I only hope god can help me out because I fell like I am doomed to live alone forever...

2010-04-15T19:28:00.001-07:00

I will lose power to my home in a few seconds....
so I hope to get back on in 4 days...

2010-04-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

The first 2 weeks of college have really been a wake up call to me. Every time I get home I am tired and my head hurts I want to work out on my physical well being but I just don't have the right motivation to do it. Plus it would not make any difference if I ate all the greasy food my mom makes. Well today is friday and I dont have school today but I can't seem to relax in my own computer chair. I feel claustrophobic and I also feel like I am being watched..... Or maybe I am just crazy I am not sure. I have been trying to talk to some of the Asian girls at my school but they seem too reserved. Next term I am definitely taking Japanese I can't fool around with learning the language anymore. So far I only know what sounds their characters makes. My depression crosses my mind now and again but thankfully it has not not lasted more than 15muinites. A job right now would be great but I dont see how that could ever work with my intensive learning. I guess you could say I am the edge of greatness and defeat.

2010-04-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

recently I have been having strong urges for the materialistic things in life I know it is not a good thing to think about but i cant really help myself

2010-03-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

Today I attended my first day of collage nothing special happend and in a way it seemed sad to me that most students did not hold a conversation with one another hopefully things change and I find my place at the school.
I saw an old friend there I did not expect to see her name is Lauren but I did not say hi we just waved. I think she wanted to hi-five me maybe because i left my hand out for tool long. My teachers look good for their age but they are not really my type. This is a picture of my school

2010-03-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed I was inside a pyramid it was dark so I dould not see anything. my sister and another person was with us we found radioactive waste inside. Then me and my sister decided to leave but we left the person inside because she did not want to leave.
Later I dreamed I married an indian girl....
witch is strange considering I don't find Indian girls very attractive...

2010-03-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

last night I had a weird dream
The world was dark an had very little color and the planet was ruled by agro style women. They placed black machine objects on our backs and made us work on hard labor if we refused we would be electrocuted by the machine
Somehow I managed to escape the dark machine on my back and I ran off to a farm in a swamp, were somehow I got drunk. I met 50cent the singer and he told me that if I go east I will find a safe place to live. In the morning I left the farm in a flying Ferrari car I started going 400mph and I was being chased by police women
I saw the safe place the singer talked about but the car did not stop and I crashed into a wall were I died and woke up screaming in my bed
thank god it was only a dream thogh....

2010-03-10T18:33:00.000-08:00

I recently joined a pen pal web site to meet people from japan

2010-03-03T09:59:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream that I took my little cousin to buy a toy in the city and then I saw my training buddies that I met in the army fully dressed in their camo uniforms I felt disappointed in my self that I never went thank god it was just a dream.
Today I will be trying to re apply into collage hopefully it all works out
I am tired of just siting around at home

2010-02-23T14:39:00.000-08:00

I am finally sick now but its nothing too bad I can compare the pain to a bad itch. I am boerd at the moment and it feels like its going to stay like that for a while

2010-02-22T13:10:00.000-08:00

Today I was trying to figure out what kind of shirt I should wear and my dad pulled out a shirt I only wore once because it did not fit me he said I should put it on and to my surprise it fits me now
The bad news it that now I have a scratchy throat and i think its an early warning that I am going to become ill again

2010-02-21T15:07:00.000-08:00

I am trying to learn Japanese again after taking a short break from it for about a week. I am happy though because I really did not forget much. I think I just need to know how to use the words I learned correctly in a sentence now. But I can say simple things like ask what an object is or greet people without being disrespectful.
Aside from that I feel like I am annoying to myself right now maybe because I am not comfortable in my computer chair right now. My depression is down but its just making me feel lazy to do anything productive at the moment.

2010-02-17T13:31:00.000-08:00

Today we are making a Mexican dish called capirotada our family makes it once a year and it closely resembles a cherry cake I was not being serious on my last post about committing suicide its just that when I am left alone I get very emotional for now I am going to think of the positives in my life and try to send my depression to hell.
Here is a picture of what we are making:

2010-02-13T22:55:00.000-08:00

Valentines day is approaching and I have nobody to love
nobody to care for
nobody to hold and say I want you
nobody to share my life with
Why does this happen me?
I am so sad sometimes I wish I could sleep forever and die in my sleep at least my desires come to reality there
I want to love.....
there is no point in living on with my stupid life if I cant have it.......

I feel so ugly
I feel unwanted
I feel like trash
I feel like my heart stopped beating and I am a hollow shell roaming the planet for an answer that does not exist

Damit!
Why is my life such a failure!?
Why cant I have 1 girl that can understand me?
Why does it feel like my heart spills blood everyday when nobody wants it?
I just want love! I know it is not something you can just demand
but it feels like I dont have a choice anymore!

I am so sad I really feel like just ending my life...
but I am too much of a wuss to do it.
Dear god help me die an easy death.... this world is a scorching hell
it burns me every day I cant breathe anymore

let me die and go to heaven I just want to go to the promise land and find happyness there with you

everybody in this world JUST HATES ME!
nobody truly loves me
I have never heard 1 girl on this planet tell me I LOVE YOU
even thogh I have said it thousands of times

my dreams are the only thing that keep me from killing myself now.....
I have already lost hope for love.........

2010-02-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

Today was day 2 with working with my dad
as expected I cant feel my feet and my fingers hurt at their joints
we worked from 5:00am to 7:pm with one break nailing sheet rock in the cold
I told my dad I would not go tomorrow but he says he will force me if he has to
i guess ill do it any way but its starting to really wear me out.

2010-02-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

I went to my dads construction job and I got tired and cold
I did not want to go but I went any way because I do not
want to fail in his expectations for the perfect son
In the end I actually enjoyed it.

2010-02-06T16:02:00.000-08:00

Not sure why but I have been going to the gym lately but for some reason while I am running I keep thinking of X as if I actually still had a chance with her.

2010-01-26T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am very bored my life at the moment is just an existence I sit in front of the computer day after day not doing anything productive any more it makes me fell useless I still don't have a job and its making me feel frustrated

2010-01-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

I have been sick recently and my throat hurts.
I really take my health for granted.
but its nice to know im human now and again...
even though I don't fell like one...

2010-01-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

Last night I accidentally drank too much cough medicine and it made me sick
my sister is going to a party and my relatives are here because they have no place to go
money is now a problem and I am not sure if my parents can make ends meet this time
I still have no girl and right now I am trying my best not to think about it
I dreampt I went to a great private collage filled with Japanese girls

my depression is creeping up on me again but I think I am doing a good job to suppress it
i just hope I can keep it that way....

2010-01-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

today is Monday and I feel like I am now starting a new point in my life
I keep thinking something important is about to happen.

2009-12-31T18:17:00.000-08:00

Today is new years day and i feel like something is wrong
but i'm not sure what...
i feel...
incomplete.....

2009-12-29T21:19:00.000-08:00

Today I went outside with my friends and we had a snow ball fight and finished off with a feast here is a picture I am the person wearing a black jacket over the face.

^these are the coolest people i know^

2009-12-29T16:56:00.000-08:00

snow is falling outside my window...
im felling better now
im going to put pictures here later.

2009-12-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

I just went on the internet and found a song to an old video game i used to play
it hit my very soul and made me sad
its called aeriths theme....

if songs could be human i would fall madly in love with them
to bad im stuck it such a sad hopeless world...
i feel like im drowning

i guess im in my own hell....
because everyone is so happy
just one I wish I could fly away from everything in this world it hurts me inside when I touch it

nobody can understand me almost as if i spoke another language
nobody cares what I do on this planet I might as well just die...
nobody would miss me
nobody would care
why am I so different from other people?
why cant I love?
why cant I be truly happy?
why cant I make scene even to myself?

I honestly cant wait till i die only god will understand me
im crying...
i have no fucking life
crap im dieing inside...

.....
this is bad i feel the same way i did back in 9th grade
god help me....
my life is hanging by a thread...

2009-12-29T11:41:00.000-08:00

Last night me and X had a strange conversation but it ended in good terms.
I got sad again in my bed and I slept listening to my music.

I had a dream where I was sitting on a bench looking out to the beach the sun was warm about 90*
all of a sudden a girl the same height as me came and sat on my lap.
she had a gorgeous tan body and I started to act like a total jerk to her all I could say was "oh" "please have my children" she turned around and she started laughing at me she said "WHAT?" I looked at her face and her eyes were dark blue, her lips here pink and she had freckles on her cheeks. my heart skipped a beat and all I could say was "Whaa?-" and I could not make my mouth say the letter T because I was amazed by how pretty she was.

she turned her body to me and then she took her finger and put it on my lips and she said "don't talk or you will wake up" and like a total idiot I said "this is a dream?!?!?" and I woke up in my bed back to my sad life

2009-12-28T16:27:00.000-08:00

the time is 4:30pm and I am now 19
today is my birthday and I feel sad for no reason.
every one I know except X and Mia has said happy birthday

I feel so old
I need a girl....

2009-12-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

Today I dreamed I woke up as a celebrity and I was exited
because I was in japan but then I woke up to my reality

my xmas was great I recived candy and a 15$ gift card from my dad
this is a video I took from my cellphone of my experience:

2009-12-23T20:08:00.000-08:00

These past few days I learned girls are scared of guys hurting them and that they like to talk only when they they are interested in the same subject if it were up to me I would listen to them all day even if I had no clue about what they were talking about.

I talked to Mia again and we cleared up alot of feelings and questions we had for each other but I don't think she was happy at all when i told her I met X. She looked sad and tired of her place in life. I should have hugged her right there and then but I guess the feelings for them never came out. Sometimes I wonder if the very person im looking for has been there all my life part of me says yes and part of me says no.

X texted me again but maybe I screwed up again I think im going to try to text her. Maybe I need to add some effort to my relationship with her. If i could end up with her in my arms I might just die happily in this life.

If you can hear me god
give me one more chance with X money can fill my pockets but it can never fill the hole i have in my heart....

2009-12-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

Today I ate
1 sandwich
1/2 a subway sandwich
1 chocolate
Then I ran 6Miles
when I got home I got an actual private E-mail letter from a hooker

now I am exhausted me and X have stopped texting and I am starting to think we should just be friends for now because I don't want to go all emo again

I guess my dreams are better than my sad pathetic life...

2009-12-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

Xmas is here and I am feeling very festive I burned some christmas CD's to place in car and another to give to Rumel my neighbor. All I need now is some snow and Ill be a really jolly dude

2009-12-09T12:03:00.000-08:00

Today I am going to work again but I think they are going to fire me because they have surplus workers at the moment. The tempature right now is 19*F but its not snowing due to lack of moisture.

X texted me and i think i sounded like a total nerd to her she told me she failed a class and i felt sad because i could not help her but after the strange convo i feel like i am back to a zen state of mind.

right now i feel relaxed but i feel like I am being bothered by something strange....
I think something interesting might happen today...

2009-12-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

me and X stopped texting each other about a day ago and the only reson its important is because she always texted me every night. I get the feeling she gust wanted to see who i was and never wanted a serious relationship. If things keep going the way they are i guess i can give up on tring to plase her and get back to my sad pathetic life. Besides i should have known i would never have a chance with a girl like her.

i guess this blog is gonna get sad and lonely again.
i just wish i could go back in time and fix the situation I am in.
god gave me a chance and it blew up in my face.

2009-12-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today I wallowed in my loneliness and slept all day I had a dream I was in full armor with a sword in my hand fighting fire breathing dragons. I was so scared for for my life when I saw the reptilian creatures coming from the fog.

in the end My body was ripped apart from the gut and I woke up sweating again....
lol my dreams are so disturbing...

2009-11-27T15:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I think I blew it with X
I am not sure if what I did was right but at least my mind is clear on new goals
I told her I was falling for her and that she should stop me now if she did not feel the same way
she was undecided but I think she might be scared to lose like I am and if that's the case I will give her time to think about it.

I promised I would not push my luck with her but I failed.
Now that she knows I wont try another stunt like that until much later
I feel like I am on a sky scraper looking down a city with a sword pointed at me
I better make my next words with her more carefully because its a long fall to the ground

lol im such a hopeless bastard :D

-------

Other than that today was also Black Friday and I bought her a gift
Me and rubi went to the mall at 5am I also bought myself a membership card for a special video game

--------

2009-11-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

Today I lost it I kept thinking I messed up on the date I had with X
I also realized I am now afraid to lose her and I am starting to panic about my current situation with her. My dad once told me that one day I might die from having such love for people because my heart would burst from my body.

Shes different from the rest of the girls she is so kind and awkward with people. When I first got to know her I already wanted her for myself but I held back because I was afraid for her to say no. I don't want to repeat 9th grade again. But I hate the idea of hugging myself wishing there was someone there at night.

I hope she does not think I am weird or keeps me as a friend.
I want her so bad but I run out of things to ask or say to her when I am with her. I just frezze up and say stupid things. its soo sad how easy I fall for almost any girl....
I am in love but I cant get myself to admit it because I am afraid to lose her
But I keep asking myself why me when she can have a much better looking man

my life is at a cross roads again on one side she has the same feelings as me and I do the impossible for her on the other she does not like me back and my cold lonely depression comes back...

SCREW IT ALL! LOL!
BRING IT ON WORLD!

I GONE THROUGH HELL AND BACK ALREADY!
1 GIRL WONT KILL ME NOW!

2009-11-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

Today X,rubi and cezar (rubi's romeo)
are going to the movies but me and X are going to chat i guess for 2 hours today she met me at school and we talked for a while it was difficult not starring at her because shes so good looking.

if everything works out fine between me and her I will be really loyal to her it almost seems like shes an angel that fell from the sky

this hole journey after my RSP drills has been really streange for example:
1-the second day I left the army I got a stable job
2-I get approved for a really good platinum credit card in only 1 day
3-I meet X and my life becomes happy again
4-I am going to a collage I can actually afford without financial help!

and this has all happend in about 1month!
if god has ever given me a sign of hope this is it and thanks to him my life is hole again I just hope it lasts

I can finally say my life is happy again.
Dear god i hope this lasts
it has been a while since I had a smile on my face.

2009-11-23T12:55:00.000-08:00

I finally met a girl that is different from people like me since I don have permission to use her name I will use the letter X as her name
I still want to know a lot more about her but I wont force a relationship on her since haveing her around me is good enough for me we usually wont stop messaging each other until 2am

I dream about her at night being attacked by piranha sharks and leopards and every time I save her shes gone when I wake up
anyway im heading to work X is waiting.

2009-11-13T14:58:00.001-08:00

I have been busy lately because of my job they keep me up until 2am but the only good part about the job is the people I meet and the girls

2009-10-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

The first day at my job was great there is so much to learn and our instructor is a bit unforgiving but my co workers all seem friendly and I think I can easily fit in with them because they are very welcoming I think some of the people of my Hispanic race don't think I know Spanish because my skin is whiter than theirs.

2009-10-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I start my first day of work I hope everything will turn out fine. My mind is starting to think of the past again and I really miss the days when I had nothing to worry about. I need a girl I can call my own.

I can almost feel her lips shaking and begging in fear crashing against mine garbing on to me for dear life praying the moment can last for an eternity because she has only seen me in her dreams she cant feel the ground or hear the world around her because she is flying on cloud 9 with me in the sky.

2009-10-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

I am going to collage soon and I am thinking about my future but again I am starting to get depressed. I think it is because nobody cares about me. The only person that really listens now is just my computer the life I have been living is sad and disgraceful to my family I just wish I could feel confident instead of hiding my own beliefs to them. When I die and go to heaven I will have a very long talk with god about why I did not meet a really nice girl when I was young.

2009-10-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up with a bad stomach ace because I drank too meany energy drinks at night. I did not sleep until 5 am I will never try that again.

2009-10-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

I am starting to relax back to my normal self now but the pressures I went through are still around like an odd oder that sticks on clothing. I might be taking a nice mental health day by myself tomorrow at the library hopefully I can get about 10$ to pay for some books I turned in late

2009-10-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today I got a job at a Mexican restaurant it made me feel happy because

I can keep my mind much more occupied on something else than bad fellings

2009-10-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

As my mind slowly drives away from what happened a couple of days ago I am finding happiness easier to reach But I am slowly becomeinmg latharginc once more

I am hitting the gym again soon because I don't want to lose everything I did through the summer

2009-10-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

I came back but I would rather not talk about boot camp for now lets just say there were some problems. Today I feel worthless and lost but feels like it will be perfect for a mental health day I hope I can get the feeling of guilt I have out of my mind its just too much for me to handle it feels like the size of a large pick up truck

My body wants to throw up really bad I have been failing on keeping my body healthy recently and I hope this new found depression wont destroy me some times I wish I can find a large expansion of wilderness and scream to the top of my lungs

2009-10-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

I really think I will be going to boot camp today part of me wants to go and the other wants to dig a 6 foot hole and drown myself in my tears I am sad and scared out of my mind at the same time I don't want to mess up on anything while I am there I should have exercised allot more because right now I fell really unprepared One time I told My mom that sometimes I wish I could just surround myself in a dark world where there is no earth, no people, no worry, no hate and just sleep for a long time when I told her this she said that that option is only possible in death My depression is really hammering away at me right now I don't know if I will be able to get through it all of this I should have just found a job and work out for one year until I was in a good physical form I feel really stupid

in the end I guess all I can do is sigh and try to ignore my fears and worrys

2009-10-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

today i hung out with the guys once more at mcdonalds

it was cool forgetting about boot camp for a bit.

2009-10-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

I might be leaving for boot camp tomorrow depending if they still feel that I can go without my drivers license. They have a computer there so if I get the chance I will post a definite yes or no if I am leaving.

I am getting really nervous and scared because what I am reading about boot camp sounds like hell compared to the training we do in rsp. If I dont go then I will be sure to give my body hellany way so I can get an Idea of what boot camp might feel like if I follow some drills from home throgh the internet

im gona hang out with the guys now bye blogg....

2009-10-09T14:01:00.000-07:00

I feel like in a much better mood now

I think I have excepted my fate to become an adult

My fears and concerns about boot camp are almost gone and

I feel like it wont be as bad as I think it will

I just hope I am right...

2009-10-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

Today I said goodbye to my chat room

it was sad but I had to do it I am starting to feel sad now...

I think I am going to miss my family more than they can imagine

sometimes I think to myself that nobody cares about my life...

and sometimes i still ask myself if anyone feels like me..

or am i alone?

2009-10-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

Today I let my recruiter down ant told him that I did not get my drivers licence I feel ashamed and I feel terrible because it might have set him in in a very uncomfortable position I hope i still get to basic training I am starting to get tired of living in my house now.

2009-10-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

this is the video I took a while back with me and my friends

i was so happy that day

2009-10-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

today turned out rally sad but for some reson I am feeling really happy right now for no reson and I hope it lasts :D

I have no idea what came over me but I like it.

2009-09-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

Today I exercised and ran only 3 miles I hope tomorrow i can run 6