today I watched the lion king and remembered my child hood

today I played video games with my neighbor but it was dumb because I lost

Yesterday I Exersized because I wanted to be ready for the army so I turned on my video player and tryed some Tae Bo now all my muscles ache and I hurt myself when I sit or get up I will do some

more later on today because if I stop the pain will get worse next time I try it

Its story time

My life started 0ut in L.A. as a baby growing up I can only remember Small things like hugging or goodbye so I am going to skip to pre school.

PK-K

I attended school and I felt strange I felt that there was always some one watching everything I do. kids there were all running around and having fun I remember being scared of climbing to the top of the monkey bars I also remember likeing a girl named Mellisa but sadly I fond out later that she was somehow related to me any way there was no nap time we were to hyper and happy all the time to think about sleeping. sometimes my mom would pick me up from school and I would cry out of joy for no reason and if she ever had spare change when she came for me we would walk from the school to a man who always sold ice cream. I remember hating the coconut flavor yet I would not complain because I knew how money was scarce in my family.

K-2st grade

I remember starting to divide and multiplying and it was at this time when I found out that I was fat but I never knew the significance of it until much later my dad would say that if I didn't stop gaining weight I would one day find my self unable to get past the front door

I remember always feeling happy during Halloween I would be scared of the scream mask and wishing I wore the mask instead. My mother dressed me up as a vampire first grade and then a clown in second grade I remember she made my costume because we had little money then Finlay came the third grade and I Finlay wore the mask that seemed to me the only thing thing that gave me an insane feeling of being invincible trotting along the halls of the school. every kid I saw was in fear and i liked the feeling of being better than them.

3rd grade-

The teacher did not like me I remember she would always get angry at us because we would ask for help allot one time I fell behind with the class an I started to cause mayhem with the others she told me my mom would feel disappointed if I were held back and that if I caused her any more anger she would fail me

During this time my uncle brought news that Oregon was less violent than California and that he was earning more money were he lived my parents sold almost everything we had and we all left leaving my dog behind with another family

I had no idea my life would change forever

4rth grade-5th grade

This a part of my life I wish I could go back to because I met someone I relay care for her name was Mia she was disliked from all the other kids and she had a close friend named jade

Mia lived next to my house and we became close then we became friends then we started becoming curious about each other wondering if we have started to feel love for the first time she held my hand and I held hers. To this day the feeling of her small innocent hands pressured against mine is still the best thing I have ever felt in my life but the seasons changed and so did our thoughts for each other as I became more and more fascinated by her she was slowly slipping from my fingers as she became a woman.

6th grade-8th grade

My life was ruined and choked by the neck I have hit puberty and the kids at my school were cruel to the feelings of others. me and Mia started living in different worlds and we would have small moments of love but in the back of my mind I always wondered if she actually loved me the same way I did there were times that she left me behind because she thought that she could meet someone more better than me I told her that I would always be there to catch her when she was shot down from the air and she always did get shot and I always held her in my arms wondering if it was the last time she would ever try to leave me the cold days passed on and she left for the Philippines I was alone again and for the first time in my life I thought seriously of my death.

9th grade The worst year of my entire life

I was now in high school and my life had no more meaning without Mia I felt alone and in that year I only passed 3 classes I woke up every morning crying because I knew nobody wanted me and I fell into a deep depression that year felt like it would last the rest of my life I started listening to death metal and I started asking myself insane questions of death like would it matter if I died today? would anyone care? am I am obstruction to people? does everyone hate me? why am I the only one that feels this way? am I going insane?

Thank god the year ended I felt like I could not breathe

10nth grade

I got my self together emotionally and I started to live normally again but the feeling alone was still there and to this day the feeling has not gone away I just feel like I am lieing to myself and that I might need help but it has never caused problems so I think I am fine any way during this time my life started to become more bright I Finlay made two friends and Mia came back and I confessed to her all the love I have kept from her all these years and we started dating I felt so alive and for the second time in my life I felt the same feelings I had for her a long time ago it was like a dream

then she used me to meet a stranger of the street. I did not want to see her any more and I felt the sad feelings of the 9th grade come clawing up my back again when she left America for the second time

11th grade I lied to myself

I wanted something to occupy my thoughts over Mia so I took up wrestling and my life became an entire blurr for that year but I do remember every night I always was awake wondering what she was doing asking myself if I still loved her

Being friends with me can be difficult due to my awkwardness with other people so it was out of luck I met rumel at first rumel was a bit intimidateing but realy deep down he is realy delicate and akward like me he had no effect on my life until much later

12th grade The death of my dreams and the start of my new life

Mia came back that year but she was different

she no longer acted the same way and I asked myself if I was the one that changed

she had a baby and a relationship with another guy

at that instant I wanted to pulverize every living tissue of the guy that ruined my dreams

the Mia I knew died and came back changed to make things worse she started talking to my friends and she always denied doing so. I found out that she did not care for what I said any more and so I left her Mia and me are now separated but the feelings of my childhood with her will still bring happiness to my heart I told her that I sill love her but that I will no longer beg for her love instead I will be there when she needs me waiting to see if part of the person I once knew shines through

Rumel meanwhile has seen every side of me except my angry side and in a way I am thankful he hasn't me and him were in film class together however now we just play video games he has not been that open about his life as I have but I am sure he has his reasons what makes him different from the people around me is that he is almost as random as me and he can be considerate about how I feel except when he is the one being opposed but what is strange is that we talk to each other as if we have known each other in another life and we happen to bump into each other again however he wouldn't be the first friend that I have felt this way about around the tenth grade I met a friend named Adam he was almost the same as rumel except he had bipolar outbreaks and he was very aggressive the last time I heard from him he was in Australia with his abusive mother I do not know if I will ever meet him again but I hope he makes the most out of his life he always got himself into trouble

Graduation-Present day

I finally came out from school and I am starting to miss my friends

I am joining the army now and I am looking for a person to love me as I am

Mia and me don't talk much but I am still here for her

I am hopeing that others will read about me and talk to me about their lives

I will start posing new material with every passing day

My name is Everardo Cortez and this is my cry for help nobody seems to understand me I feel alone and trapped in the shell of my own skin if anybody can read this and has the same sensation please know you are not alone I want to get to know you because the only safe haven I can find in these days are in my dreams.

This is my life's story