I am finally sick now but its nothing too bad I can compare the pain to a bad itch. I am boerd at the moment and it feels like its going to stay like that for a while

Today I was trying to figure out what kind of shirt I should wear and my dad pulled out a shirt I only wore once because it did not fit me he said I should put it on and to my surprise it fits me now
The bad news it that now I have a scratchy throat and i think its an early warning that I am going to become ill again

I am trying to learn Japanese again after taking a short break from it for about a week. I am happy though because I really did not forget much. I think I just need to know how to use the words I learned correctly in a sentence now. But I can say simple things like ask what an object is or greet people without being disrespectful.
Aside from that I feel like I am annoying to myself right now maybe because I am not comfortable in my computer chair right now. My depression is down but its just making me feel lazy to do anything productive at the moment.

Today we are making a Mexican dish called capirotada our family makes it once a year and it closely resembles a cherry cake I was not being serious on my last post about committing suicide its just that when I am left alone I get very emotional for now I am going to think of the positives in my life and try to send my depression to hell.
Here is a picture of what we are making:

Valentines day is approaching and I have nobody to love
nobody to care for
nobody to hold and say I want you
nobody to share my life with
Why does this happen me?
I am so sad sometimes I wish I could sleep forever and die in my sleep at least my desires come to reality there
I want to love.....
there is no point in living on with my stupid life if I cant have it.......

I feel so ugly
I feel unwanted
I feel like trash
I feel like my heart stopped beating and I am a hollow shell roaming the planet for an answer that does not exist

Damit!
Why is my life such a failure!?
Why cant I have 1 girl that can understand me?
Why does it feel like my heart spills blood everyday when nobody wants it?
I just want love! I know it is not something you can just demand
but it feels like I dont have a choice anymore!

I am so sad I really feel like just ending my life...
but I am too much of a wuss to do it.
Dear god help me die an easy death.... this world is a scorching hell
it burns me every day I cant breathe anymore

let me die and go to heaven I just want to go to the promise land and find happyness there with you

everybody in this world JUST HATES ME!
nobody truly loves me
I have never heard 1 girl on this planet tell me I LOVE YOU
even thogh I have said it thousands of times

my dreams are the only thing that keep me from killing myself now.....
I have already lost hope for love.........

Today was day 2 with working with my dad
as expected I cant feel my feet and my fingers hurt at their joints
we worked from 5:00am to 7:pm with one break nailing sheet rock in the cold
I told my dad I would not go tomorrow but he says he will force me if he has to
i guess ill do it any way but its starting to really wear me out.

I went to my dads construction job and I got tired and cold
I did not want to go but I went any way because I do not
want to fail in his expectations for the perfect son
In the end I actually enjoyed it.

Not sure why but I have been going to the gym lately but for some reason while I am running I keep thinking of X as if I actually still had a chance with her.