my depression is getting bad and I miss my parents

but I need to stay strong and find a way to live here.

My life will only be wasted in my old room if I go back.

sometimes I wonder what I am doing with my life

I feel like when I am older I will be very angry for wasting my youth.

I know if someone loved me this felling I have would go away

I wish I could hold a girl in my arms and call her mine

I need someone to show me that they care that I am alive...

Its a sad gut wrenching lonely felling I know my family cant lift.

I can feel it on my chest like im drowning in my own sad emotions

as if the world turned dark and no matter how much i swam upward I could never surface for air.

I know its not correct of me to desire it but sometimes I feel like heaven with my god is the only place I belong. As an innocent being in my past none of these stupid ideas ever bothered me all I cared about was playing outside feeling the warm earth under my feet.

I hope my desires for life after death are not false.

this world would be very scary without it.

I wonder sometimes if my feelings trully ever reach my god...

mabye he has grown tired hearing me cry over them...

Things have been getting sour since I moved to Illinois.

Me and my cousin are not geting along. I dont know why she is mean to me I never did anything to her. I try to ignore her as much as i can so I wont get in her way, But I dont think she can even go a single day without saying anything negitive to me. To day I decided not to leave my room hoping she would leave me alone. I was cleaning my bed and it was going well for a few hours, then she pushed my door open and told me to clean my carpet. She looked inside my room and saw my bed was half way done and told me "I like how you did your bed" she said it in a sarcastic voice and I said I was actually cleaning it when she came in. She said "uhu right". She left me alone for a few more hours then she opened my door again without knocking and said hey you want pizza? I told her no and she said "Are you just going to sit in your room all day? this is why i hate you!". After that she took my wet clothing from the washer and left it in the garage and un-friended me on facebook.

A couple of days ago I was washing my clothing minding my own business and she came in following me and said "what are you doing?" I told her I was just trying to dry my clothing and she said "did you use soap?" I said no there was not any left for me she said "why didn't you go to the store?" I told her I had no money finally she told me "whats wrong with you you could have broken the washer!" she got angry and slammed the door

I wish she could just leave me alone...

its 3am I just had a dream I was in an apocolypse were me and a team of 15 were trying to find a way to defeat an alien invasion. They did not listen to me and they broght a few of the female aliens as test subjects because of them I was sucked into an aliens throat and I was becoming food for its young