Today is new years day and i feel like something is wrong
but i'm not sure what...
i feel...
incomplete.....

Today I went outside with my friends and we had a snow ball fight and finished off with a feast here is a picture I am the person wearing a black jacket over the face.

^these are the coolest people i know^

snow is falling outside my window...
im felling better now
im going to put pictures here later.

I just went on the internet and found a song to an old video game i used to play
it hit my very soul and made me sad
its called aeriths theme....

if songs could be human i would fall madly in love with them
to bad im stuck it such a sad hopeless world...
i feel like im drowning

i guess im in my own hell....
because everyone is so happy
just one I wish I could fly away from everything in this world it hurts me inside when I touch it

nobody can understand me almost as if i spoke another language
nobody cares what I do on this planet I might as well just die...
nobody would miss me
nobody would care
why am I so different from other people?
why cant I love?
why cant I be truly happy?
why cant I make scene even to myself?

I honestly cant wait till i die only god will understand me
im crying...
i have no fucking life
crap im dieing inside...

.....
this is bad i feel the same way i did back in 9th grade
god help me....
my life is hanging by a thread...

Last night me and X had a strange conversation but it ended in good terms.
I got sad again in my bed and I slept listening to my music.

I had a dream where I was sitting on a bench looking out to the beach the sun was warm about 90*
all of a sudden a girl the same height as me came and sat on my lap.
she had a gorgeous tan body and I started to act like a total jerk to her all I could say was "oh" "please have my children" she turned around and she started laughing at me she said "WHAT?" I looked at her face and her eyes were dark blue, her lips here pink and she had freckles on her cheeks. my heart skipped a beat and all I could say was "Whaa?-" and I could not make my mouth say the letter T because I was amazed by how pretty she was.

she turned her body to me and then she took her finger and put it on my lips and she said "don't talk or you will wake up" and like a total idiot I said "this is a dream?!?!?" and I woke up in my bed back to my sad life

the time is 4:30pm and I am now 19
today is my birthday and I feel sad for no reason.
every one I know except X and Mia has said happy birthday

I feel so old
I need a girl....

Today I dreamed I woke up as a celebrity and I was exited
because I was in japan but then I woke up to my reality

my xmas was great I recived candy and a 15$ gift card from my dad
this is a video I took from my cellphone of my experience:

These past few days I learned girls are scared of guys hurting them and that they like to talk only when they they are interested in the same subject if it were up to me I would listen to them all day even if I had no clue about what they were talking about.

I talked to Mia again and we cleared up alot of feelings and questions we had for each other but I don't think she was happy at all when i told her I met X. She looked sad and tired of her place in life. I should have hugged her right there and then but I guess the feelings for them never came out. Sometimes I wonder if the very person im looking for has been there all my life part of me says yes and part of me says no.

X texted me again but maybe I screwed up again I think im going to try to text her. Maybe I need to add some effort to my relationship with her. If i could end up with her in my arms I might just die happily in this life.

If you can hear me god
give me one more chance with X money can fill my pockets but it can never fill the hole i have in my heart....

Today I ate
1 sandwich
1/2 a subway sandwich
1 chocolate
Then I ran 6Miles
when I got home I got an actual private E-mail letter from a hooker

now I am exhausted me and X have stopped texting and I am starting to think we should just be friends for now because I don't want to go all emo again

I guess my dreams are better than my sad pathetic life...

Xmas is here and I am feeling very festive I burned some christmas CD's to place in car and another to give to Rumel my neighbor. All I need now is some snow and Ill be a really jolly dude

Today I am going to work again but I think they are going to fire me because they have surplus workers at the moment. The tempature right now is 19*F but its not snowing due to lack of moisture.

X texted me and i think i sounded like a total nerd to her she told me she failed a class and i felt sad because i could not help her but after the strange convo i feel like i am back to a zen state of mind.

right now i feel relaxed but i feel like I am being bothered by something strange....
I think something interesting might happen today...

me and X stopped texting each other about a day ago and the only reson its important is because she always texted me every night. I get the feeling she gust wanted to see who i was and never wanted a serious relationship. If things keep going the way they are i guess i can give up on tring to plase her and get back to my sad pathetic life. Besides i should have known i would never have a chance with a girl like her.

i guess this blog is gonna get sad and lonely again.
i just wish i could go back in time and fix the situation I am in.
god gave me a chance and it blew up in my face.

Today I wallowed in my loneliness and slept all day I had a dream I was in full armor with a sword in my hand fighting fire breathing dragons. I was so scared for for my life when I saw the reptilian creatures coming from the fog.

in the end My body was ripped apart from the gut and I woke up sweating again....
lol my dreams are so disturbing...