It was a nice day
but then my depression hit and now I feel sick...
were are you god? its been a while since my life felt happiness...
Maybe I should take sleeping pills to make the world go away its so disgusting looking at people...
They only hurt me and they never really want love me.
They are only nice because its their job or because I see them now and again...
They are the ones full of lies when they say good things to me.
They don't really want to be friends they just want to progress in their own obsessions.
I try my best to be friendly but they all look at me as if i were nuts.
Is it so difficult to find real love from one person?
Am I doomed to walk the earth alone?
I wonder how long I can go like this...

Today me and my friends went for a car ride in the central city and we ended up it a run down area any way we turned around and as we did I saw a beautiful young woman about age 23 takeing a poop near a trash can in an ally. I laughed so hard I could not even breathe and in a way it was the best part of my day.

lol im weird I know :D
but It made me forget about all my problems in my life

School for this term is coming and end and soon summer will be starting soon.
I have decided to keep studying because my dad really wants me to graduate as soon as possible I am taking writing class again an i am also taking Japanese 1 as a personal pleasure  so I can finaly understand what I am listening to and not just listen to the beats that jpop music makes.I am thinking I might drop Japanese if my family is still in a tough spot with money.

My desires for a new girlfriend are still strong but I cant figure out how to talk to one. everybody here seems very unapproachable and lifeless some even more than me. The few girls I sort of liked here either don't like me or I am not just their type.

I am supposed to be studying right now but I am tired of school and all of its crap its thrown at me. Or maybe I am tired of living my own life i'm not sure but something is definitely wrong right now... I feel like I have lost hope in love and happiness. I am even tired of my favorite music... I want to do so many things in life but right now I just don't have the money to do it.

Dang life sucks I cant wait till I die and go to heaven.I will surely find peace on a lonely cloud...

Today I dreamed I was in another dimension and in this dimension people did not rot after dieing so their bodies were floating in an ocean of their own blood. it was really gross and for some reason i saw my moms body floating in the ocean too then I woke up. I'm not sure why I had this dream I don't have any problems of this magnitude at the moment.
im sure it will pass...

Today my family was mean to me and my dad called me stupid because I did not want to help him. My sister said I was ugly and my mom yelled at me. Its at times like these when I like to think about my childhood and remember how much they loved me back then.

I feel as if today the world was against me :(
This hell kills me every day ripping away at my mind...
I wish I could grow wings and fly away...

nobody loves me except my family...
but even they don't care enough the worst part is that they have no idea who I really am

I hope that I don't kill myself when I am older I don't know how many more years I can go on being single

On that note if I stop writing here for more than a year I might be dead