Today I was in the shower thinking about my life and were it is at this point. I realized I am now halfway though my youth and that soon my adult life will start then my death... As I was showering I realized that one day my body wont exist in this world and all the feelings I have, all the people I have hugged, the feeling life itself will be gone from me. I always thought of death as a bad dream that could go away and I could get up the next day as usual. As I held the soap in my hand I began to faint of the very idea that one day my body will become dust. I felt that my efforts in this world will have no evidence upon the new generation. I snapped out of it and realized how serious death is. It made me realize that I am taking my life for granted. I just hope the day I die wont be painful and I could die in my sleep. I keep thinking my brain and all the nerves in my body will suffer due to the loss of blood flow. I think now that I am able to understand how much time I have left here before I die, I want to live my life to the fullest. I cant belive how stupid I was not relizeing this sooner

the soap in my hand had never felt better in my entire life...
some day I wont be able to wash my own back...
I hope my life can change the world I dont want to be forgotten...

I am not sleeping on the floor anymore, ever since I got my own place it has been painful for my rib cage and hip areas. Today a nice lady did me a great kindness and brought me a sofa and a bed. I am so happy people like her still exist I offered her money but she did not want it. My back feels much better but I will still need to work hard if I am going to make a living here on my own. I also fixed the blinds in my room and now its much more darker, I hope this will help me sleep off during the day better.

My depression is a little better now that I have some comfort in my own home. I never thought living on my own would be this difficult. Hopefully things improve I am planing to move into the Chicago city area some time after the summer of 2012. There I plan to attend a very good college.

for now I need to survive this loneliness I am feeling...

I like staring at myself...
I feel like I could almost talk to my reflection.

I hate thinking my face is only temporary, that soon my hair will fall and wrinkles will remind me of my slow death later in life

Today I feel very lonely I miss my parents, my sister and my old life. I feel like if I don't find a friend or a proper place here by Christmas I might just go back.  I hope I find my reason soon Im on the verge of falling into another depression... god help me...