I really think I will be going to boot camp today part of me wants to go and the other wants to dig a 6 foot hole and drown myself in my tears I am sad and scared out of my mind at the same time I don't want to mess up on anything while I am there I should have exercised allot more because right now I fell really unprepared One time I told My mom that sometimes I wish I could just surround myself in a dark world where there is no earth, no people, no worry, no hate and just sleep for a long time when I told her this she said that that option is only possible in death My depression is really hammering away at me right now I don't know if I will be able to get through it all of this I should have just found a job and work out for one year until I was in a good physical form I feel really stupid

in the end I guess all I can do is sigh and try to ignore my fears and worrys