I lost my Internet so and my job at the pizza place so I had to wait about 20 days for school to start so I could use their Internet. Other than that things have been the same as usual with my depression coming and going and money strains in our family. But my sister says her god mother might be able to get me a job soon.

My mind keeps thinking of anime club and how I am going to go about impressing a girl there.
hopefully it all works out.

I have high expectations for this year.
Hopefully god smiles upon me and gives me good fortune.

I have been thinking about a girl I like recently.
I want to ask her if she would go out with me. but I am tired of getting my whole world crushed when I realize they don't like me back. I think she just talks to me out of pitty, I wish I knew so I would stop wishing for her every night I close my eyes.

This life I live is just not worth it if all I do is beg for just one person to love me.

My depression is so strong at the moment I hope its just a simple mood swing. If I had a girlfriend then mabye living on this planet would not hurt so much.
my life sucks...
I hate myself...
people hate me...
I just dont see the point anymore...

My friend ryan is leaving in a few days. I think I might miss him later though. I hope this wont have too much impact on me. Rumel is back mostly to his old self and my parents are trying to find a place to live. I feel like everyone has something to do except me. I just wish I had a girl to fill the hole mia left in my heart.

Yesterday me and my 2 friends rumel and ryan went to a strip club called jiggles. I was nervous because it was my first time and my family had no idea were I was going. Coming in I expected the building to smell bad and have a very high temperature. Instead it was cool and the smell was clean with a light cent of perfume.

We sat down at a table for a while and then we made our way to the pole. I thought the girl was so amazing she was young and she had a small chest. She shoved her head on my lap and smiled, she bit my finger and the money away from me. I gave her 3$ for the dance then after that we went to the table again to talk.

It was relaxing for a while then an a slim girl came and sat next to me. She asked if it was our first time at the club and I said yes she tried to get me to pay for a lap dance. I told her I wanted to look for other girls and she looked angry after that and left.

We let an hour fly by as girls came and left the pole. Another girl approached me she was Hispanic and called herself Rodeo. She was short, her head reached my shoulders. Her butt was about the size of 2 gallons of milk put together, her hair was wild and she had two pigtails coming from the back, she was VERY tan, she wore a sports jersey and black thin pantys. She smelled like smoke, flowers, a light dash of perfume and just a pinch of fruit.

WARNING: IT GETS DIRTY FROM HERE SO STOP READING IF YOU ARE GROSSED OUT ALREADY

She told me I did not look like I was having fun. I told her I was sad because my credit card was not working. She told me the dances were only 20$ and that the bar tender could help me. I told her I would think about it. She said ok and got up and left. Half an hour passed and she came to the pole I gave her two dollars she looked at me and told her to move up my seat. She took off her top and got on top of me and breathed in my ear. She asked me if I was ready for a private dance and I said yes. We went up to the counter and used the credit card. then I was taken top a small booth.

she took off her top and the slowly rubbed her body on mine. she started breathing in my ear again and she placed her breasts on my face. She placed her left nipple in my mouth and she giggled. she she said are you ready? I said yes the she fiercely rubbed her body all over me and she turned around and sat on me. She layed back and placed her head on my right shoulder. She looked at me and I looked at her nipples as she rubbed them. then it was just a constant thrusting motion after that. At the end she said are you ok now? and I said yes and she said aww thank you she hugged me and I was a bit scared to hug her back because I was not sure if it was allowed.

The rest of the night was a bit boring but I could not sleep for about 4 hous because I keept thinking how she almost breast fed me with mer left nipple :)

her body looks like this>

I hope that was not too dirty I just wrote what really happened. I am actually felling a bit guilty for still not telling my dad were I was.

My family is planning to move soon
but I am not sure if they are actually taking it seriously
Being Mexican in the united states is a very hard struggle
If they have their way I will be off to either Mexico or California
tensions are building on my dads shoulders and I am worried about our future

My sister promised to buy a bass guitar for me if I go to Mexican partys with her to meet new people and hopefully get a girl

Today I held the guitar in the store and I felt happy because for a second I felt like a total rock star

today is my one year anniversary posting my life here
i feel old now...

My emotions recently are mixed and I feel frustrated being in my own body.
I am not depressed but I do feel sad and worthless
I wish I could fly away to the heavens nobody will hurt me there. :(

Summer school is starting now and I am exited about how things will turn out
I will try to exercise again starting to tomorrow hopefully my mom will stop making fatty foods
I hope I can make more friends this time around I fell like I have missed out alot in life
my sister might not go to collage in a way I think that is good for me since I can still have more appreciation in my home
Mia talked to me again and I told her how I felt I think I hurt her feelings but it was good to clear up how I felt about her we are still friends but she still wants to see me again
I also got a pen pal from japan so might be able to  have a forgin friend

Maybe if I try my best to exercise and study the wold will help me out too
I just hope it keeps its end of the deal...

I just want to enjoy life and fall in love with another person is that so difficult to ask from the world?
This is pushing me to the idea to exercise just to impress a girl
I just wish it did not need to be that way...

My long lost cousin of eleven years of age is here for the summer. He comes from my dad's side of the family and so far he is an ok kid though he is a bit hyper active but I guess I was that way too until I turned 9 when I came to Oregon. My depression is still having affect on me but hopefully with my first collage term over now these few days of vacation I have can some how ease the pain. I am expecting change soon either coming from me or from the world. My dad has promised me a bass guitAr but I don't think he will actually do good on his word especially with our position with money.

Oh god what kind of place is this?

With the school term coming to a close and my depression down again for now I feel like I am rediscovering life again ever since my hole army scandal
I am still looking for love and I did begin to make friend contact with a girl but I don't think she is interested

I feel like this will be a new start in my life its been a long time since I have felt care free
hopefully it will be better from here.

It was a nice day
but then my depression hit and now I feel sick...
were are you god? its been a while since my life felt happiness...
Maybe I should take sleeping pills to make the world go away its so disgusting looking at people...
They only hurt me and they never really want love me.
They are only nice because its their job or because I see them now and again...
They are the ones full of lies when they say good things to me.
They don't really want to be friends they just want to progress in their own obsessions.
I try my best to be friendly but they all look at me as if i were nuts.
Is it so difficult to find real love from one person?
Am I doomed to walk the earth alone?
I wonder how long I can go like this...

Today me and my friends went for a car ride in the central city and we ended up it a run down area any way we turned around and as we did I saw a beautiful young woman about age 23 takeing a poop near a trash can in an ally. I laughed so hard I could not even breathe and in a way it was the best part of my day.

lol im weird I know :D
but It made me forget about all my problems in my life

School for this term is coming and end and soon summer will be starting soon.
I have decided to keep studying because my dad really wants me to graduate as soon as possible I am taking writing class again an i am also taking Japanese 1 as a personal pleasure  so I can finaly understand what I am listening to and not just listen to the beats that jpop music makes.I am thinking I might drop Japanese if my family is still in a tough spot with money.

My desires for a new girlfriend are still strong but I cant figure out how to talk to one. everybody here seems very unapproachable and lifeless some even more than me. The few girls I sort of liked here either don't like me or I am not just their type.

I am supposed to be studying right now but I am tired of school and all of its crap its thrown at me. Or maybe I am tired of living my own life i'm not sure but something is definitely wrong right now... I feel like I have lost hope in love and happiness. I am even tired of my favorite music... I want to do so many things in life but right now I just don't have the money to do it.

Dang life sucks I cant wait till I die and go to heaven.I will surely find peace on a lonely cloud...

Today I dreamed I was in another dimension and in this dimension people did not rot after dieing so their bodies were floating in an ocean of their own blood. it was really gross and for some reason i saw my moms body floating in the ocean too then I woke up. I'm not sure why I had this dream I don't have any problems of this magnitude at the moment.
im sure it will pass...

Today my family was mean to me and my dad called me stupid because I did not want to help him. My sister said I was ugly and my mom yelled at me. Its at times like these when I like to think about my childhood and remember how much they loved me back then.

I feel as if today the world was against me :(
This hell kills me every day ripping away at my mind...
I wish I could grow wings and fly away...

nobody loves me except my family...
but even they don't care enough the worst part is that they have no idea who I really am

I hope that I don't kill myself when I am older I don't know how many more years I can go on being single

On that note if I stop writing here for more than a year I might be dead

School here is very lonely nobody talks to each other and studying is pretty much all I do. The only thing I liked so far are the free computers and the peaceful environment it brings. I have made acquaintances with people here but I still don't have any friends. My depression is still under wraps for now but I don't think I can hold it back any longer. I only hope god can help me out because I fell like I am doomed to live alone forever...

I will lose power to my home in a few seconds....
so I hope to get back on in 4 days...

The first 2 weeks of college have really been a wake up call to me. Every time I get home I am tired and my head hurts I want to work out on my physical well being but I just don't have the right motivation to do it. Plus it would not make any difference if I ate all the greasy food my mom makes. Well today is friday and I dont have school today but I can't seem to relax in my own computer chair. I feel claustrophobic and I also feel like I am being watched..... Or maybe I am just crazy I am not sure. I have been trying to talk to some of the Asian girls at my school but they seem too reserved. Next term I am definitely taking Japanese I can't fool around with learning the language anymore. So far I only know what sounds their characters makes. My depression crosses my mind now and again but thankfully it has not not lasted more than 15muinites. A job right now would be great but I dont see how that could ever work with my intensive learning. I guess you could say I am the edge of greatness and defeat.

recently I have been having strong urges for the materialistic things in life I know it is not a good thing to think about but i cant really help myself

Today I attended my first day of collage nothing special happend and in a way it seemed sad to me that most students did not hold a conversation with one another hopefully things change and I find my place at the school.
I saw an old friend there I did not expect to see her name is Lauren but I did not say hi we just waved. I think she wanted to hi-five me maybe because i left my hand out for tool long. My teachers look good for their age but they are not really my type. This is a picture of my school

Last night I dreamed I was inside a pyramid it was dark so I dould not see anything. my sister and another person was with us we found radioactive waste inside. Then me and my sister decided to leave but we left the person inside because she did not want to leave.
Later I dreamed I married an indian girl....
witch is strange considering I don't find Indian girls very attractive...

last night I had a weird dream
The world was dark an had very little color and the planet was ruled by agro style women. They placed black machine objects on our backs and made us work on hard labor if we refused we would be electrocuted by the machine
Somehow I managed to escape the dark machine on my back and I ran off to a farm in a swamp, were somehow I got drunk. I met 50cent the singer and he told me that if I go east I will find a safe place to live. In the morning I left the farm in a flying Ferrari car I started going 400mph and I was being chased by police women
I saw the safe place the singer talked about but the car did not stop and I crashed into a wall were I died and woke up screaming in my bed
thank god it was only a dream thogh....

I recently joined a pen pal web site to meet people from japan

Last night I had a dream that I took my little cousin to buy a toy in the city and then I saw my training buddies that I met in the army fully dressed in their camo uniforms I felt disappointed in my self that I never went thank god it was just a dream.
Today I will be trying to re apply into collage hopefully it all works out
I am tired of just siting around at home

I am finally sick now but its nothing too bad I can compare the pain to a bad itch. I am boerd at the moment and it feels like its going to stay like that for a while

Today I was trying to figure out what kind of shirt I should wear and my dad pulled out a shirt I only wore once because it did not fit me he said I should put it on and to my surprise it fits me now
The bad news it that now I have a scratchy throat and i think its an early warning that I am going to become ill again

I am trying to learn Japanese again after taking a short break from it for about a week. I am happy though because I really did not forget much. I think I just need to know how to use the words I learned correctly in a sentence now. But I can say simple things like ask what an object is or greet people without being disrespectful.
Aside from that I feel like I am annoying to myself right now maybe because I am not comfortable in my computer chair right now. My depression is down but its just making me feel lazy to do anything productive at the moment.

Today we are making a Mexican dish called capirotada our family makes it once a year and it closely resembles a cherry cake I was not being serious on my last post about committing suicide its just that when I am left alone I get very emotional for now I am going to think of the positives in my life and try to send my depression to hell.
Here is a picture of what we are making:

Valentines day is approaching and I have nobody to love
nobody to care for
nobody to hold and say I want you
nobody to share my life with
Why does this happen me?
I am so sad sometimes I wish I could sleep forever and die in my sleep at least my desires come to reality there
I want to love.....
there is no point in living on with my stupid life if I cant have it.......

I feel so ugly
I feel unwanted
I feel like trash
I feel like my heart stopped beating and I am a hollow shell roaming the planet for an answer that does not exist

Damit!
Why is my life such a failure!?
Why cant I have 1 girl that can understand me?
Why does it feel like my heart spills blood everyday when nobody wants it?
I just want love! I know it is not something you can just demand
but it feels like I dont have a choice anymore!

I am so sad I really feel like just ending my life...
but I am too much of a wuss to do it.
Dear god help me die an easy death.... this world is a scorching hell
it burns me every day I cant breathe anymore

let me die and go to heaven I just want to go to the promise land and find happyness there with you

everybody in this world JUST HATES ME!
nobody truly loves me
I have never heard 1 girl on this planet tell me I LOVE YOU
even thogh I have said it thousands of times

my dreams are the only thing that keep me from killing myself now.....
I have already lost hope for love.........

Today was day 2 with working with my dad
as expected I cant feel my feet and my fingers hurt at their joints
we worked from 5:00am to 7:pm with one break nailing sheet rock in the cold
I told my dad I would not go tomorrow but he says he will force me if he has to
i guess ill do it any way but its starting to really wear me out.

I went to my dads construction job and I got tired and cold
I did not want to go but I went any way because I do not
want to fail in his expectations for the perfect son
In the end I actually enjoyed it.

Not sure why but I have been going to the gym lately but for some reason while I am running I keep thinking of X as if I actually still had a chance with her.

I am very bored my life at the moment is just an existence I sit in front of the computer day after day not doing anything productive any more it makes me fell useless I still don't have a job and its making me feel frustrated

I have been sick recently and my throat hurts.
I really take my health for granted.
but its nice to know im human now and again...
even though I don't fell like one...

Last night I accidentally drank too much cough medicine and it made me sick
my sister is going to a party and my relatives are here because they have no place to go
money is now a problem and I am not sure if my parents can make ends meet this time
I still have no girl and right now I am trying my best not to think about it
I dreampt I went to a great private collage filled with Japanese girls

my depression is creeping up on me again but I think I am doing a good job to suppress it
i just hope I can keep it that way....

today is Monday and I feel like I am now starting a new point in my life
I keep thinking something important is about to happen.

Today is new years day and i feel like something is wrong
but i'm not sure what...
i feel...
incomplete.....

Today I went outside with my friends and we had a snow ball fight and finished off with a feast here is a picture I am the person wearing a black jacket over the face.

^these are the coolest people i know^

snow is falling outside my window...
im felling better now
im going to put pictures here later.

I just went on the internet and found a song to an old video game i used to play
it hit my very soul and made me sad
its called aeriths theme....

if songs could be human i would fall madly in love with them
to bad im stuck it such a sad hopeless world...
i feel like im drowning

i guess im in my own hell....
because everyone is so happy
just one I wish I could fly away from everything in this world it hurts me inside when I touch it

nobody can understand me almost as if i spoke another language
nobody cares what I do on this planet I might as well just die...
nobody would miss me
nobody would care
why am I so different from other people?
why cant I love?
why cant I be truly happy?
why cant I make scene even to myself?

I honestly cant wait till i die only god will understand me
im crying...
i have no fucking life
crap im dieing inside...

.....
this is bad i feel the same way i did back in 9th grade
god help me....
my life is hanging by a thread...

Last night me and X had a strange conversation but it ended in good terms.
I got sad again in my bed and I slept listening to my music.

I had a dream where I was sitting on a bench looking out to the beach the sun was warm about 90*
all of a sudden a girl the same height as me came and sat on my lap.
she had a gorgeous tan body and I started to act like a total jerk to her all I could say was "oh" "please have my children" she turned around and she started laughing at me she said "WHAT?" I looked at her face and her eyes were dark blue, her lips here pink and she had freckles on her cheeks. my heart skipped a beat and all I could say was "Whaa?-" and I could not make my mouth say the letter T because I was amazed by how pretty she was.

she turned her body to me and then she took her finger and put it on my lips and she said "don't talk or you will wake up" and like a total idiot I said "this is a dream?!?!?" and I woke up in my bed back to my sad life

the time is 4:30pm and I am now 19
today is my birthday and I feel sad for no reason.
every one I know except X and Mia has said happy birthday

I feel so old
I need a girl....

Today I dreamed I woke up as a celebrity and I was exited
because I was in japan but then I woke up to my reality

my xmas was great I recived candy and a 15$ gift card from my dad
this is a video I took from my cellphone of my experience:

These past few days I learned girls are scared of guys hurting them and that they like to talk only when they they are interested in the same subject if it were up to me I would listen to them all day even if I had no clue about what they were talking about.

I talked to Mia again and we cleared up alot of feelings and questions we had for each other but I don't think she was happy at all when i told her I met X. She looked sad and tired of her place in life. I should have hugged her right there and then but I guess the feelings for them never came out. Sometimes I wonder if the very person im looking for has been there all my life part of me says yes and part of me says no.

X texted me again but maybe I screwed up again I think im going to try to text her. Maybe I need to add some effort to my relationship with her. If i could end up with her in my arms I might just die happily in this life.

If you can hear me god
give me one more chance with X money can fill my pockets but it can never fill the hole i have in my heart....

Today I ate
1 sandwich
1/2 a subway sandwich
1 chocolate
Then I ran 6Miles
when I got home I got an actual private E-mail letter from a hooker

now I am exhausted me and X have stopped texting and I am starting to think we should just be friends for now because I don't want to go all emo again

I guess my dreams are better than my sad pathetic life...

Xmas is here and I am feeling very festive I burned some christmas CD's to place in car and another to give to Rumel my neighbor. All I need now is some snow and Ill be a really jolly dude

Today I am going to work again but I think they are going to fire me because they have surplus workers at the moment. The tempature right now is 19*F but its not snowing due to lack of moisture.

X texted me and i think i sounded like a total nerd to her she told me she failed a class and i felt sad because i could not help her but after the strange convo i feel like i am back to a zen state of mind.

right now i feel relaxed but i feel like I am being bothered by something strange....
I think something interesting might happen today...

me and X stopped texting each other about a day ago and the only reson its important is because she always texted me every night. I get the feeling she gust wanted to see who i was and never wanted a serious relationship. If things keep going the way they are i guess i can give up on tring to plase her and get back to my sad pathetic life. Besides i should have known i would never have a chance with a girl like her.

i guess this blog is gonna get sad and lonely again.
i just wish i could go back in time and fix the situation I am in.
god gave me a chance and it blew up in my face.

Today I wallowed in my loneliness and slept all day I had a dream I was in full armor with a sword in my hand fighting fire breathing dragons. I was so scared for for my life when I saw the reptilian creatures coming from the fog.

in the end My body was ripped apart from the gut and I woke up sweating again....
lol my dreams are so disturbing...

Last night I think I blew it with X
I am not sure if what I did was right but at least my mind is clear on new goals
I told her I was falling for her and that she should stop me now if she did not feel the same way
she was undecided but I think she might be scared to lose like I am and if that's the case I will give her time to think about it.

I promised I would not push my luck with her but I failed.
Now that she knows I wont try another stunt like that until much later
I feel like I am on a sky scraper looking down a city with a sword pointed at me
I better make my next words with her more carefully because its a long fall to the ground

lol im such a hopeless bastard :D

-------

Other than that today was also Black Friday and I bought her a gift
Me and rubi went to the mall at 5am I also bought myself a membership card for a special video game


--------

Today I lost it I kept thinking I messed up on the date I had with X
I also realized I am now afraid to lose her and I am starting to panic about my current situation with her. My dad once told me that one day I might die from having such love for people because my heart would burst from my body.

Shes different from the rest of the girls she is so kind and awkward with people. When I first got to know her I already wanted her for myself but I held back because I was afraid for her to say no. I don't want to repeat 9th grade again. But I hate the idea of hugging myself wishing there was someone there at night.

I hope she does not think I am weird or keeps me as a friend.
I want her so bad but I run out of things to ask or say to her when I am with her. I just frezze up and say stupid things. its soo sad how easy I fall for almost any girl....
I am in love but I cant get myself to admit it because I am afraid to lose her
But I keep asking myself why me when she can have a much better looking man

my life is at a cross roads again on one side she has the same feelings as me and I do the impossible for her on the other she does not like me back and my cold lonely depression comes back...

SCREW IT ALL! LOL!
BRING IT ON WORLD!

I GONE THROUGH HELL AND BACK ALREADY!
1 GIRL WONT KILL ME NOW!

Today X,rubi and cezar (rubi's romeo)
are going to the movies but me and X are going to chat i guess for 2 hours today she met me at school and we talked for a while it was difficult not starring at her because shes so good looking.

if everything works out fine between me and her I will be really loyal to her it almost seems like shes an angel that fell from the sky

this hole journey after my RSP drills has been really streange for example:
1-the second day I left the army I got a stable job
2-I get approved for a really good platinum credit card in only 1 day
3-I meet X and my life becomes happy again
4-I am going to a collage I can actually afford without financial help!

and this has all happend in about 1month!
if god has ever given me a sign of hope this is it and thanks to him my life is hole again I just hope it lasts

I can finally say my life is happy again.
Dear god i hope this lasts
it has been a while since I had a smile on my face.

I finally met a girl that is different from people like me since I don have permission to use her name I will use the letter X as her name
I still want to know a lot more about her but I wont force a relationship on her since haveing her around me is good enough for me we usually wont stop messaging each other until 2am

I dream about her at night being attacked by piranha sharks and leopards and every time I save her shes gone when I wake up
anyway im heading to work X is waiting.

I have been busy lately because of my job they keep me up until 2am but the only good part about the job is the people I meet and the girls

The first day at my job was great there is so much to learn and our instructor is a bit unforgiving but my co workers all seem friendly and I think I can easily fit in with them because they are very welcoming I think some of the people of my Hispanic race don't think I know Spanish because my skin is whiter than theirs.

Tomorrow I start my first day of work I hope everything will turn out fine. My mind is starting to think of the past again and I really miss the days when I had nothing to worry about. I need a girl I can call my own.

I can almost feel her lips shaking and begging in fear crashing against mine garbing on to me for dear life praying the moment can last for an eternity because she has only seen me in her dreams she cant feel the ground or hear the world around her because she is flying on cloud 9 with me in the sky.

I am going to collage soon and I am thinking about my future but again I am starting to get depressed. I think it is because nobody cares about me. The only person that really listens now is just my computer the life I have been living is sad and disgraceful to my family I just wish I could feel confident instead of hiding my own beliefs to them. When I die and go to heaven I will have a very long talk with god about why I did not meet a really nice girl when I was young.

Today I woke up with a bad stomach ace because I drank too meany energy drinks at night. I did not sleep until 5 am I will never try that again.

I am starting to relax back to my normal self now but the pressures I went through are still around like an odd oder that sticks on clothing. I might be taking a nice mental health day by myself tomorrow at the library hopefully I can get about 10$ to pay for some books I turned in late

Today I got a job at a Mexican restaurant it made me feel happy because

I can keep my mind much more occupied on something else than bad fellings

As my mind slowly drives away from what happened a couple of days ago I am finding happiness easier to reach But I am slowly becomeinmg latharginc once more

I am hitting the gym again soon because I don't want to lose everything I did through the summer

I came back but I would rather not talk about boot camp for now lets just say there were some problems. Today I feel worthless and lost but feels like it will be perfect for a mental health day I hope I can get the feeling of guilt I have out of my mind its just too much for me to handle it feels like the size of a large pick up truck

My body wants to throw up really bad I have been failing on keeping my body healthy recently and I hope this new found depression wont destroy me some times I wish I can find a large expansion of wilderness and scream to the top of my lungs

I really think I will be going to boot camp today part of me wants to go and the other wants to dig a 6 foot hole and drown myself in my tears I am sad and scared out of my mind at the same time I don't want to mess up on anything while I am there I should have exercised allot more because right now I fell really unprepared One time I told My mom that sometimes I wish I could just surround myself in a dark world where there is no earth, no people, no worry, no hate and just sleep for a long time when I told her this she said that that option is only possible in death My depression is really hammering away at me right now I don't know if I will be able to get through it all of this I should have just found a job and work out for one year until I was in a good physical form I feel really stupid

in the end I guess all I can do is sigh and try to ignore my fears and worrys

today i hung out with the guys once more at mcdonalds

it was cool forgetting about boot camp for a bit.

I might be leaving for boot camp tomorrow depending if they still feel that I can go without my drivers license. They have a computer there so if I get the chance I will post a definite yes or no if I am leaving.

I am getting really nervous and scared because what I am reading about boot camp sounds like hell compared to the training we do in rsp. If I dont go then I will be sure to give my body hellany way so I can get an Idea of what boot camp might feel like if I follow some drills from home throgh the internet

im gona hang out with the guys now bye blogg....

I feel like in a much better mood now

I think I have excepted my fate to become an adult

My fears and concerns about boot camp are almost gone and

I feel like it wont be as bad as I think it will

I just hope I am right...

Today I said goodbye to my chat room

it was sad but I had to do it I am starting to feel sad now...

I think I am going to miss my family more than they can imagine

sometimes I think to myself that nobody cares about my life...

and sometimes i still ask myself if anyone feels like me..

or am i alone?

Today I let my recruiter down ant told him that I did not get my drivers licence I feel ashamed and I feel terrible because it might have set him in in a very uncomfortable position I hope i still get to basic training I am starting to get tired of living in my house now.

this is the video I took a while back with me and my friends

i was so happy that day

today turned out rally sad but for some reson I am feeling really happy right now for no reson and I hope it lasts :D

I have no idea what came over me but I like it.

Today I exercised and ran only 3 miles I hope tomorrow i can run 6

Today I goffed off and did basicly nothing it was relaxing but very very boring my sadnes these past few days have started go away hopefully they will stay like that.

recently I have been feeling worthless..

I am trying really hard not to fall into depression

I am feeling more and more lethargic and in the way

I am going to get my music and curl up in my bed hopefully my troubles will be washed away

Today I feel guilty for no reason like if I did some thing wrong or I did something irresponsible and its really bothering me. All I can think about right now is boot camp and how in the world I am going to get through it. The fact that I have no one to talk to about this bothers me too because I don't have a girlfriend right now. Some times I think the world does not care for me and that only god can be my silent companion. I think I am going to go to the gym and exercise now maybe that will keep my mind off the subject

tomorrow im going to my monthly training sessions so im going to enjoy my time in my home before i start begging for mercy

All I can think about recently is just about boot camp it feels like a death sentence rather than a start to something new but I don want to give up I just wish I were only going for 2weeks rather than 3 months

during my practice drills I just want to go home after the first day I wish I could stay home for an entire year because I feel really out of shape compared to the people around me

The days are winding down more and more to the point were I am going to leave my house for boot camp and the tensions in my house are getting worse because me and my sister are in the same room we are mostly fighting for domination over the television and its getting stress full

Me and Mia finally got to say goodbye before I leave for boot camp on October and it feels good knowing that I left her far on the other side of my conscious

I have been training recently and I have even taken an entire minute off of my mile run if I can take out 1 more then maybe I will be ready for camp

I am really stressed right now and I think I will type more once I am more relaxed hopefully tomorrow I will have the hole house to myself so I can unwind allot more

Today I went on a small mental health day with my friends it was great to be out of my room for the day even though the environment was not very pleasing due to the rain the day turned out decent and i came home a bit emotionally disturbed because I was reminded of how all of this enjoyment will end in about a month as my clock ticks away i can only imagine the hell I will facing in boot camp I may not be ready but I am not going to give up on myself i refuse to be the same as everyone around me I don't want a

plain life i want to achieve immortality in the minds of humans across the world.

During my mental heath day with the guys I stumbled upon a book that had a familiar character that I haven't seen since the ninth grade I read the book next to Rumel and reminisced on that horrible year.

I will soon be heading off to pt again I am counting the days in my head and I only wish the days could stop for me but I am sure men across the world already screamed to the heavens to stop time when the world around them was being destroyed I hate the idea that my father is getting old I hope I am the last person he sees before he has his last breath on this earth

again i thought of mia

i wish these memorys would go away

the emotion is killing me inside and i cant get it out

i wish this were all a bad dream and i could wake up 9 years old again

i would have another chance to relive the years I dreamed about her face

in those young years the world was magic to me

now its a nightmare....

Recently I have been heaving trouble accepting that my life as a teen is now gone and that now soon after all these years I wil become an adult I can still remember my mom buying my sweets when I was a small child and the lessons my father has given me it really makes me sad because I know that I an getting closer to my own death as I age and so are they but I am determined to make a difference in this world! not like a small governor but as a ruler! a real country leader rising from the rest of the 6.5 billion people in this world

I want people to remember me as a greap person in history and be known for my deeds I just dont want to simply die of old age I despise ageing I wish I had the power of immortality I would be constantly helping humans all over this earth Sometimes I think I am the only person that thinks like this and it makes me sad

I wish I could meet someone that would want to have a long converation over the meaning of life or why we even exist My mind is strange if you were to feel what i feel see what i see you may go insane and ask yourself what is the point of me living?

thankfully my reson is to change humanity forever

sadly none of this is possible so for now I sit on my chair typing away in my keyboard hoping someone years from now will read this and feel relived they have someone to look to for advice

Today I thought of Mia and how me and her were closer back when we were kids. I always loved the way she would place head over chest when we were siting on the couch we could feel our heart beating side by side and in a way that was my slice of heaven just me and her alone thinking about each other. I always think of her in random moments and I find it sad that now all of that is gone for us.

Today I helped my dad in his construction job it was cool because me and him don't really communicate that much

I go t a new phone it looks like this its cool but its kinda getto but I don't care a phone is just a phone and it does its job perfectly

A couple of days ago i talked to mia's man he was pissed because I was texting her I got mad but what pissed me off was the idea that he was really rude to her sometimes I wish Mia had more sence with the guys she hangs out with its just sad she will never know how much I love her but thats not my problem she will learn that I am one of the best things that happened in her life as for her man im ready to beat him to a pulp if he thinks im going to back down (there are alot of ass holes in this world)

I came back from pt today and I feel tired I threw up 3 times then blacked out on the dirt it was a challenge for me but after watching some youtube videos I realize that basic training will screw me over if i don't keep up so im going to train and drink more water and maybe be more productive for the next round

I keep thinking about this singer and I wonder how life would be like living with her

I get lost in thought when i think of her

today I watched the lion king and remembered my child hood

today I played video games with my neighbor but it was dumb because I lost

Yesterday I Exersized because I wanted to be ready for the army so I turned on my video player and tryed some Tae Bo now all my muscles ache and I hurt myself when I sit or get up I will do some

more later on today because if I stop the pain will get worse next time I try it

Its story time

My life started 0ut in L.A. as a baby growing up I can only remember Small things like hugging or goodbye so I am going to skip to pre school.

PK-K

I attended school and I felt strange I felt that there was always some one watching everything I do. kids there were all running around and having fun I remember being scared of climbing to the top of the monkey bars I also remember likeing a girl named Mellisa but sadly I fond out later that she was somehow related to me any way there was no nap time we were to hyper and happy all the time to think about sleeping. sometimes my mom would pick me up from school and I would cry out of joy for no reason and if she ever had spare change when she came for me we would walk from the school to a man who always sold ice cream. I remember hating the coconut flavor yet I would not complain because I knew how money was scarce in my family.

K-2st grade

I remember starting to divide and multiplying and it was at this time when I found out that I was fat but I never knew the significance of it until much later my dad would say that if I didn't stop gaining weight I would one day find my self unable to get past the front door

I remember always feeling happy during Halloween I would be scared of the scream mask and wishing I wore the mask instead. My mother dressed me up as a vampire first grade and then a clown in second grade I remember she made my costume because we had little money then Finlay came the third grade and I Finlay wore the mask that seemed to me the only thing thing that gave me an insane feeling of being invincible trotting along the halls of the school. every kid I saw was in fear and i liked the feeling of being better than them.

3rd grade-

The teacher did not like me I remember she would always get angry at us because we would ask for help allot one time I fell behind with the class an I started to cause mayhem with the others she told me my mom would feel disappointed if I were held back and that if I caused her any more anger she would fail me

During this time my uncle brought news that Oregon was less violent than California and that he was earning more money were he lived my parents sold almost everything we had and we all left leaving my dog behind with another family

I had no idea my life would change forever

4rth grade-5th grade

This a part of my life I wish I could go back to because I met someone I relay care for her name was Mia she was disliked from all the other kids and she had a close friend named jade

Mia lived next to my house and we became close then we became friends then we started becoming curious about each other wondering if we have started to feel love for the first time she held my hand and I held hers. To this day the feeling of her small innocent hands pressured against mine is still the best thing I have ever felt in my life but the seasons changed and so did our thoughts for each other as I became more and more fascinated by her she was slowly slipping from my fingers as she became a woman.

6th grade-8th grade

My life was ruined and choked by the neck I have hit puberty and the kids at my school were cruel to the feelings of others. me and Mia started living in different worlds and we would have small moments of love but in the back of my mind I always wondered if she actually loved me the same way I did there were times that she left me behind because she thought that she could meet someone more better than me I told her that I would always be there to catch her when she was shot down from the air and she always did get shot and I always held her in my arms wondering if it was the last time she would ever try to leave me the cold days passed on and she left for the Philippines I was alone again and for the first time in my life I thought seriously of my death.

9th grade The worst year of my entire life

I was now in high school and my life had no more meaning without Mia I felt alone and in that year I only passed 3 classes I woke up every morning crying because I knew nobody wanted me and I fell into a deep depression that year felt like it would last the rest of my life I started listening to death metal and I started asking myself insane questions of death like would it matter if I died today? would anyone care? am I am obstruction to people? does everyone hate me? why am I the only one that feels this way? am I going insane?

Thank god the year ended I felt like I could not breathe

10nth grade

I got my self together emotionally and I started to live normally again but the feeling alone was still there and to this day the feeling has not gone away I just feel like I am lieing to myself and that I might need help but it has never caused problems so I think I am fine any way during this time my life started to become more bright I Finlay made two friends and Mia came back and I confessed to her all the love I have kept from her all these years and we started dating I felt so alive and for the second time in my life I felt the same feelings I had for her a long time ago it was like a dream

then she used me to meet a stranger of the street. I did not want to see her any more and I felt the sad feelings of the 9th grade come clawing up my back again when she left America for the second time

11th grade I lied to myself

I wanted something to occupy my thoughts over Mia so I took up wrestling and my life became an entire blurr for that year but I do remember every night I always was awake wondering what she was doing asking myself if I still loved her

Being friends with me can be difficult due to my awkwardness with other people so it was out of luck I met rumel at first rumel was a bit intimidateing but realy deep down he is realy delicate and akward like me he had no effect on my life until much later

12th grade The death of my dreams and the start of my new life

Mia came back that year but she was different

she no longer acted the same way and I asked myself if I was the one that changed

she had a baby and a relationship with another guy

at that instant I wanted to pulverize every living tissue of the guy that ruined my dreams

the Mia I knew died and came back changed to make things worse she started talking to my friends and she always denied doing so. I found out that she did not care for what I said any more and so I left her Mia and me are now separated but the feelings of my childhood with her will still bring happiness to my heart I told her that I sill love her but that I will no longer beg for her love instead I will be there when she needs me waiting to see if part of the person I once knew shines through

Rumel meanwhile has seen every side of me except my angry side and in a way I am thankful he hasn't me and him were in film class together however now we just play video games he has not been that open about his life as I have but I am sure he has his reasons what makes him different from the people around me is that he is almost as random as me and he can be considerate about how I feel except when he is the one being opposed but what is strange is that we talk to each other as if we have known each other in another life and we happen to bump into each other again however he wouldn't be the first friend that I have felt this way about around the tenth grade I met a friend named Adam he was almost the same as rumel except he had bipolar outbreaks and he was very aggressive the last time I heard from him he was in Australia with his abusive mother I do not know if I will ever meet him again but I hope he makes the most out of his life he always got himself into trouble

Graduation-Present day

I finally came out from school and I am starting to miss my friends

I am joining the army now and I am looking for a person to love me as I am

Mia and me don't talk much but I am still here for her

I am hopeing that others will read about me and talk to me about their lives

I will start posing new material with every passing day

My name is Everardo Cortez and this is my cry for help nobody seems to understand me I feel alone and trapped in the shell of my own skin if anybody can read this and has the same sensation please know you are not alone I want to get to know you because the only safe haven I can find in these days are in my dreams.

This is my life's story