ED THE FALLEN ONE
Monday, September 19, 2016
Saturday, August 8, 2015
whatever, I have a new job but still no girlfriend I jut don't see what I am missing im not an asshole at all. Nothing much has changed im just repeating my old routines.
thats all for this year I guess
I really wish I had my own family by now but I see that is not going to happen.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Whoops!
I am also feeling a lot more mortal lately. I think I can feel my body dying... It feels weaker... It's weird because I am 23 going for 24 but I don't feel young anymore. I think it really is all down hill from here.
I will take my car to my grave if I ever die...
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Life is still the same here in my room. I am not in japan, I have no wife or girl, money is still a struggle and my dream car is still out of my grasp. wow im pathetic how am I to progress in this sad world? am I supposed to find god? If so how can I have solid proof? I always have doubt in the back of my mind so to say I believe I must be able to crush any feeling of what if nothing of this is real?
I realize I have not posted in almost a year but life is not being fair to me.
I hope I can look back at this later and laugh because right now I find it harder to keep going every morning.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
I wish I could cry and move on but its so hard to do. I want to do so meany things but there are so meany limits in my life.
plus my crazy emo self has wild goals not meant for humans.
I know I cant complete them but something inside tells me im capable of great, amazing things. I almost feel like I have some kind of angelic purpose I need to fulfill. When I feel that I just want to scream and destroy everything I see and question who put limits in front of me. At that point I question my biological body it makes me hate my human form because it cant function the exact whay I want it to.
im so screwd in the head...
lol sadly im crazy enough to believe in my insane imagination.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I am still alone and I have almost given up hope in physically meeting a girl for a date.
I hope god has a good reason for my loneliness, I am kind and hard working what is missing?
I wonder if its my fault...
Monday, March 26, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
I'm starting to get desperate again. I want to leave my parents house already and start my own life with a wife I don't even have. I wonder sometimes why I lead such a sad life all I do everyday is hate myself for who I am and when I try to cheer myself up and do something about my life. I lose motivation and ponder the point of even going on with this life. I know my time is short here but its taking to long to find love all the girls I meet are selfish and self centered.
I wonder if I did something to deserve this. If a man is left alone to his thoughts I can guarantee he will go insane, I just hope their is still time before I become hateful towards everyone I meet.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Its 2012 and I am still in the same position I was in since my last post. I still can't find a job and I think I will really go back to Illinois. My family does not want me to leave but I know I cant depend on them for all my needs. I always get depressed thinking about all of this so I try to keep myself occupied.
I wish I had a girlfriend to love. Being alone and unwanted is probably the most painful feeling a guy can have. I keep asking my god were i should go from here but I still haven't got an answer.
Things need to change soon.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Its been a few days here with my family and I already feel the stress of depending on others. My depression is definitely back but not at full force.
I can't stay here for long I need to find the same motivation I did back in Illinois. My moms cooking is making me sluggish and I feel like I'm getting too comfortable. Its not bad food but since we only eat Mexican dishes its getting difficult moving around without feeling lazy.
I'm starting to get really angry at myself for leaving. My family is important but I'm doing nothing with my life and just hating the world I see everyday is not helping either.
Were is my wife God?
I'm an honest guy just looking for love :'(
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I hope its not my depression...
I quit my job and I am spending the last five days I have here the best way I can. To be honest I will miss this place, it taught me how to value my life and that I can meet new people if I stick my hand out a little. I think I might come here next summer to work again if I don't find a job back home. I feel like I could have done more if I met a girl to love here it was a little difficult not knowing anyone.
I hope my dad will buy alot of beer when I get home I have not had a taste in a while.
I hope im going the right way with this life I have.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
My sister called me (I think she was holding back crying)
she wanted me to come home.
I told her I would leave on November the 15th so now I am just passing time here trying to figure out what I am going to do next when I get there. I have thoght of going back a couple of times but now that I learned how serious life was about a week ago all I can do is think of is how I will spend my last youthful years to their fullest. I think its about time I find a wife I feel ready in both my mind and body. But I dont plan in marrying until age 24 (right now im 20) hopefully it works out.
I am going to miss everyone I met here, they helped me learn the lesson I needed.
I hope it leaves a deep scar in my mind so I will never forget it. Weather I see it or not my existince and understanding of the world around me is a miricle itself. I must live my life too its fullest because its too short and precious to waste crying over the pain.
My sister and my family need me, I cant wait to go home.
Friday, September 30, 2011
the soap in my hand had never felt better in my entire life...
some day I wont be able to wash my own back...
I hope my life can change the world I dont want to be forgotten...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
My depression is a little better now that I have some comfort in my own home. I never thought living on my own would be this difficult. Hopefully things improve I am planing to move into the Chicago city area some time after the summer of 2012. There I plan to attend a very good college.
for now I need to survive this loneliness I am feeling...
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
its 3am I just had a dream I was in an apocolypse were me and a team of 15 were trying to find a way to defeat an alien invasion. They did not listen to me and they broght a few of the female aliens as test subjects because of them I was sucked into an aliens throat and I was becoming food for its young
Monday, May 9, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Girls however seem to surprise me I dont understand how a good guy like me with no criminal record and an amazing job cant get a normal girl. For now my job is taking up most of my time so its easy to avoid the subject that also means my posts for now will be less frequent until i can find a more easy going work place environment.
I hope this time my life can start picking up I have had enough of running around getting in trouble with my friends.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
So far so good I have been lowering my standards so I can meet as much girls as I can and I have been able to find some cute girls there but none have really messaged me back yet. My best friend rumel is leaving my neighborhood so I guess my man cave wont be disturbed as often. My dad forced me to eat a hole meal filled with grease and oil. Im really angry at him because my diet is pretty much ruined and I wont be able to eat in 7hours. I like to snack my way through the day eating small pices of bread or cherrios but he really went all out on me today. I told him to calm down that I am not dieing of hunger, I guess he can bear to look at me not reaching for a bag of oreos or chips now and again.
my head hurts from eating all that oily potato he made for me.
810calories jeez what a drag..
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Getting ready for a new hell.
Well my first week of vacation is over leaving me with only two weeks. My job is not easy so I thought I could work out a bit before this relaxing time is over. But lately all I have been doing is dieting by limiting my meals. If I find some courage in me today I might go but so far it does not feel that way.
My depression is coming and going almost as if I was bipolar. My video games put it off but I sometimes tear up alone at night.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A new start.
Mia and me are talking again after about a year of silence. I'm not so sure how to take it all in...
I got my phone after about 2 weeks of work. But the bill is really expensive. Today is promised myself I would start working out but I don't feel like actually doing it. I really hope my life starts getting better all this loneliness is really killing me inside.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
I should feel happier but things are not going good for mia and me. From what she told me she is going to arizona. Even thogh she is moving I still dont want to see her, mabye because it might bring back sad fellings.
I started teaching a person about 32 years of age how to use a computer. When she paid me yesterday for what I did I went ahead and took my mom and my sister out to eat. Rynan is coming back from boot camp and he is probably going to rub it in my face about how stupid I was fo not joining him. Starting in the 22nd of december I am going to try a new job opportunity as a mover for a company simillar to U-Haul if this turns out to be my dream job then I think I might get a new phone quiker than I thoght.
A few days ago I asked god to send me a girl my way but I guess he is too busy with more important things. Its ok thogh I did not really expect anything to really happen but it makes me sad thinking its going to be a very cold and lonely winter...
Monday, November 22, 2010
A couple of days ago Rumel brought Dylan, S and W and we played truth or dare. Then things started getting weird. I was on the left side to S and she was dared to kiss me. But it felt just like C did in my dream a few days back! Rumel stopped reading my blog so I was the only person freaking out there. We stayed in my room till 1:00am daring each other into doing other things like making out. W changed from what I could remember from my highschool days but to be honest I just did not like her, as a possible girlfriend thogh she was very warm wen I sat with her. I am still trying to work out my job situation but its looking more grim with each day. My sister is turning 18 soon so I hope I can get drunk and meet some one new at her party.
Every day it feels like I am wasting away my life all because people on this planet need money to do favors for people. If god is watching us in heaven I sure hes sad to look at the amount of greed humans have. All I want is food, Internet, women, and a small room in japan.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
I really wish I had internet at home so I could keep this blog updated but it seems fate has other plans Oh well....
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
This is an update to my blogg.
If I ever stop for a year then I am 100% dead.
Any way last night I had a dream of a girl forn ow I will call her C.
I was siting with my back against a concrete wall. I was siting next to C and to friends C sat next to my right foot ant the others to my left. She wore short jeans and a gray/black t-shirt. I told C I was sad because of how lonely I was on the planet and she started looking sad. My butt hurt from sitting but I stayed with her and her friends because in real life I almost never talk to her,because I am so shy.
Out of noware my shoes were gone I was wearing gray socks and then I look to her and she was wearing thin black socks. Ignoring the awkward situation I was in I started talking to her friends. Then she moved about 3 of her toes on the center of my foot. I started to question if she was actually flirting with me or if she forgot my foot was there. To check I moved my toes just slightly to she what she would do.
Then she sat next to my right side and started petting my chest. (not sure why but I was buff lol) Anyway I could not move after that my heart was pounding so heard I could even hear it! she grabbed my arm and held it against her body and hugged it as if it was a teddy bear. Realizing SHE WAS FLIRTING I grabbed her hand tightly. She placed her head on my shoulder and I placed her head on hers my body started to feel warm and I FELT REALLY REALLY HAPPY then she looked at her friends hwo were to my left and started talking to them. Then I saw her face clear as day.
I felt so happy and warm and then I started to pant because my heart was going to explode. I woke up laying right side flat on my bed with a BIG smile on my face. I kind of wish I could sleep forever sometimes because this world sucks. The real life C would never flirt with me sometime I think she only talks to me out of pitty.
I lost my job as a pizza guy so that sucks. Mia talked to me a couple of days ago and asked me why I am keeping her on hold for all these months. But what I did not tell her is that I still love her and that after all this time I think of her too. I just hope god has a new plan for me soon because if things stay the way they are I am really screwed.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My mind keeps thinking of anime club and how I am going to go about impressing a girl there.
hopefully it all works out.
I have high expectations for this year.
Hopefully god smiles upon me and gives me good fortune.
Friday, August 13, 2010
I want to ask her if she would go out with me. but I am tired of getting my whole world crushed when I realize they don't like me back. I think she just talks to me out of pitty, I wish I knew so I would stop wishing for her every night I close my eyes.
This life I live is just not worth it if all I do is beg for just one person to love me.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
We sat down at a table for a while and then we made our way to the pole. I thought the girl was so amazing she was young and she had a small chest. She shoved her head on my lap and smiled, she bit my finger and the money away from me. I gave her 3$ for the dance then after that we went to the table again to talk.
It was relaxing for a while then an a slim girl came and sat next to me. She asked if it was our first time at the club and I said yes she tried to get me to pay for a lap dance. I told her I wanted to look for other girls and she looked angry after that and left.
We let an hour fly by as girls came and left the pole. Another girl approached me she was Hispanic and called herself Rodeo. She was short, her head reached my shoulders. Her butt was about the size of 2 gallons of milk put together, her hair was wild and she had two pigtails coming from the back, she was VERY tan, she wore a sports jersey and black thin pantys. She smelled like smoke, flowers, a light dash of perfume and just a pinch of fruit.
WARNING: IT GETS DIRTY FROM HERE SO STOP READING IF YOU ARE GROSSED OUT ALREADY
She told me I did not look like I was having fun. I told her I was sad because my credit card was not working. She told me the dances were only 20$ and that the bar tender could help me. I told her I would think about it. She said ok and got up and left. Half an hour passed and she came to the pole I gave her two dollars she looked at me and told her to move up my seat. She took off her top and got on top of me and breathed in my ear. She asked me if I was ready for a private dance and I said yes. We went up to the counter and used the credit card. then I was taken top a small booth.
she took off her top and the slowly rubbed her body on mine. she started breathing in my ear again and she placed her breasts on my face. She placed her left nipple in my mouth and she giggled. she she said are you ready? I said yes the she fiercely rubbed her body all over me and she turned around and sat on me. She layed back and placed her head on my right shoulder. She looked at me and I looked at her nipples as she rubbed them. then it was just a constant thrusting motion after that. At the end she said are you ok now? and I said yes and she said aww thank you she hugged me and I was a bit scared to hug her back because I was not sure if it was allowed.
The rest of the night was a bit boring but I could not sleep for about 4 hous because I keept thinking how she almost breast fed me with mer left nipple :)
her body looks like this>
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I will try to exercise again starting to tomorrow hopefully my mom will stop making fatty foods
I hope I can make more friends this time around I fell like I have missed out alot in life
my sister might not go to collage in a way I think that is good for me since I can still have more appreciation in my home
Mia talked to me again and I told her how I felt I think I hurt her feelings but it was good to clear up how I felt about her we are still friends but she still wants to see me again
I also got a pen pal from japan so might be able to have a forgin friend
Maybe if I try my best to exercise and study the wold will help me out too
I just hope it keeps its end of the deal...
Friday, June 11, 2010
This is pushing me to the idea to exercise just to impress a girl
I just wish it did not need to be that way...
My long lost cousin of eleven years of age is here for the summer. He comes from my dad's side of the family and so far he is an ok kid though he is a bit hyper active but I guess I was that way too until I turned 9 when I came to Oregon. My depression is still having affect on me but hopefully with my first collage term over now these few days of vacation I have can some how ease the pain. I am expecting change soon either coming from me or from the world. My dad has promised me a bass guitAr but I don't think he will actually do good on his word especially with our position with money.
Oh god what kind of place is this?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I am still looking for love and I did begin to make friend contact with a girl but I don't think she is interested
I feel like this will be a new start in my life its been a long time since I have felt care free
hopefully it will be better from here.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
but then my depression hit and now I feel sick...
were are you god? its been a while since my life felt happiness...
Maybe I should take sleeping pills to make the world go away its so disgusting looking at people...
They only hurt me and they never really want love me.
They are only nice because its their job or because I see them now and again...
They are the ones full of lies when they say good things to me.
They don't really want to be friends they just want to progress in their own obsessions.
I try my best to be friendly but they all look at me as if i were nuts.
Is it so difficult to find real love from one person?
Am I doomed to walk the earth alone?
I wonder how long I can go like this...
Saturday, May 22, 2010
lol im weird I know :D
but It made me forget about all my problems in my life
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I have decided to keep studying because my dad really wants me to graduate as soon as possible I am taking writing class again an i am also taking Japanese 1 as a personal pleasure so I can finaly understand what I am listening to and not just listen to the beats that jpop music makes.I am thinking I might drop Japanese if my family is still in a tough spot with money.
My desires for a new girlfriend are still strong but I cant figure out how to talk to one. everybody here seems very unapproachable and lifeless some even more than me. The few girls I sort of liked here either don't like me or I am not just their type.
I am supposed to be studying right now but I am tired of school and all of its crap its thrown at me. Or maybe I am tired of living my own life i'm not sure but something is definitely wrong right now... I feel like I have lost hope in love and happiness. I am even tired of my favorite music... I want to do so many things in life but right now I just don't have the money to do it.
Dang life sucks I cant wait till I die and go to heaven.I will surely find peace on a lonely cloud...
Saturday, May 15, 2010
im sure it will pass...
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
This hell kills me every day ripping away at my mind...
I wish I could grow wings and fly away...
nobody loves me except my family...
but even they don't care enough the worst part is that they have no idea who I really am
I hope that I don't kill myself when I am older I don't know how many more years I can go on being single
On that note if I stop writing here for more than a year I might be dead
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
I saw an old friend there I did not expect to see her name is Lauren but I did not say hi we just waved. I think she wanted to hi-five me maybe because i left my hand out for tool long. My teachers look good for their age but they are not really my type. This is a picture of my school
Friday, March 19, 2010
Later I dreamed I married an indian girl....
witch is strange considering I don't find Indian girls very attractive...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The world was dark an had very little color and the planet was ruled by agro style women. They placed black machine objects on our backs and made us work on hard labor if we refused we would be electrocuted by the machine
Somehow I managed to escape the dark machine on my back and I ran off to a farm in a swamp, were somehow I got drunk. I met 50cent the singer and he told me that if I go east I will find a safe place to live. In the morning I left the farm in a flying Ferrari car I started going 400mph and I was being chased by police women
I saw the safe place the singer talked about but the car did not stop and I crashed into a wall were I died and woke up screaming in my bed
thank god it was only a dream thogh....
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Today I will be trying to re apply into collage hopefully it all works out
I am tired of just siting around at home
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
The bad news it that now I have a scratchy throat and i think its an early warning that I am going to become ill again
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Aside from that I feel like I am annoying to myself right now maybe because I am not comfortable in my computer chair right now. My depression is down but its just making me feel lazy to do anything productive at the moment.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Here is a picture of what we are making:
Saturday, February 13, 2010
nobody to care for
nobody to hold and say I want you
nobody to share my life with
Why does this happen me?
I am so sad sometimes I wish I could sleep forever and die in my sleep at least my desires come to reality there
I want to love.....
there is no point in living on with my stupid life if I cant have it.......
I feel so ugly
I feel unwanted
I feel like trash
I feel like my heart stopped beating and I am a hollow shell roaming the planet for an answer that does not exist
Damit!
Why is my life such a failure!?
Why cant I have 1 girl that can understand me?
Why does it feel like my heart spills blood everyday when nobody wants it?
I just want love! I know it is not something you can just demand
but it feels like I dont have a choice anymore!
I am so sad I really feel like just ending my life...
but I am too much of a wuss to do it.
Dear god help me die an easy death.... this world is a scorching hell
it burns me every day I cant breathe anymore
let me die and go to heaven I just want to go to the promise land and find happyness there with you
everybody in this world JUST HATES ME!
nobody truly loves me
I have never heard 1 girl on this planet tell me I LOVE YOU
even thogh I have said it thousands of times
my dreams are the only thing that keep me from killing myself now.....
I have already lost hope for love.........
Thursday, February 11, 2010
as expected I cant feel my feet and my fingers hurt at their joints
we worked from 5:00am to 7:pm with one break nailing sheet rock in the cold
I told my dad I would not go tomorrow but he says he will force me if he has to
i guess ill do it any way but its starting to really wear me out.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
my sister is going to a party and my relatives are here because they have no place to go
money is now a problem and I am not sure if my parents can make ends meet this time
I still have no girl and right now I am trying my best not to think about it
I dreampt I went to a great private collage filled with Japanese girls
my depression is creeping up on me again but I think I am doing a good job to suppress it
i just hope I can keep it that way....
Monday, January 4, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
it hit my very soul and made me sad
its called aeriths theme....
if songs could be human i would fall madly in love with them
to bad im stuck it such a sad hopeless world...
i feel like im drowning
i guess im in my own hell....
because everyone is so happy
just one I wish I could fly away from everything in this world it hurts me inside when I touch it
nobody can understand me almost as if i spoke another language
nobody cares what I do on this planet I might as well just die...
nobody would miss me
nobody would care
why am I so different from other people?
why cant I love?
why cant I be truly happy?
why cant I make scene even to myself?
I honestly cant wait till i die only god will understand me
im crying...
i have no fucking life
crap im dieing inside...
.....
this is bad i feel the same way i did back in 9th grade
god help me....
my life is hanging by a thread...
I got sad again in my bed and I slept listening to my music.
I had a dream where I was sitting on a bench looking out to the beach the sun was warm about 90*
all of a sudden a girl the same height as me came and sat on my lap.
she had a gorgeous tan body and I started to act like a total jerk to her all I could say was "oh" "please have my children" she turned around and she started laughing at me she said "WHAT?" I looked at her face and her eyes were dark blue, her lips here pink and she had freckles on her cheeks. my heart skipped a beat and all I could say was "Whaa?-" and I could not make my mouth say the letter T because I was amazed by how pretty she was.
she turned her body to me and then she took her finger and put it on my lips and she said "don't talk or you will wake up" and like a total idiot I said "this is a dream?!?!?" and I woke up in my bed back to my sad life
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I talked to Mia again and we cleared up alot of feelings and questions we had for each other but I don't think she was happy at all when i told her I met X. She looked sad and tired of her place in life. I should have hugged her right there and then but I guess the feelings for them never came out. Sometimes I wonder if the very person im looking for has been there all my life part of me says yes and part of me says no.
X texted me again but maybe I screwed up again I think im going to try to text her. Maybe I need to add some effort to my relationship with her. If i could end up with her in my arms I might just die happily in this life.
If you can hear me god
give me one more chance with X money can fill my pockets but it can never fill the hole i have in my heart....
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
1 sandwich
1/2 a subway sandwich
1 chocolate
Then I ran 6Miles
when I got home I got an actual private E-mail letter from a hooker
now I am exhausted me and X have stopped texting and I am starting to think we should just be friends for now because I don't want to go all emo again
I guess my dreams are better than my sad pathetic life...
Monday, December 14, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
X texted me and i think i sounded like a total nerd to her she told me she failed a class and i felt sad because i could not help her but after the strange convo i feel like i am back to a zen state of mind.
right now i feel relaxed but i feel like I am being bothered by something strange....
I think something interesting might happen today...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
me and X stopped texting each other about a day ago and the only reson its important is because she always texted me every night. I get the feeling she gust wanted to see who i was and never wanted a serious relationship. If things keep going the way they are i guess i can give up on tring to plase her and get back to my sad pathetic life. Besides i should have known i would never have a chance with a girl like her.
i guess this blog is gonna get sad and lonely again.
i just wish i could go back in time and fix the situation I am in.
god gave me a chance and it blew up in my face.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
in the end My body was ripped apart from the gut and I woke up sweating again....
lol my dreams are so disturbing...
Friday, November 27, 2009
I am not sure if what I did was right but at least my mind is clear on new goals
I told her I was falling for her and that she should stop me now if she did not feel the same way
she was undecided but I think she might be scared to lose like I am and if that's the case I will give her time to think about it.
I promised I would not push my luck with her but I failed.
Now that she knows I wont try another stunt like that until much later
I feel like I am on a sky scraper looking down a city with a sword pointed at me
I better make my next words with her more carefully because its a long fall to the ground
lol im such a hopeless bastard :D
-------
Other than that today was also Black Friday and I bought her a gift
Me and rubi went to the mall at 5am I also bought myself a membership card for a special video game
--------
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Today I lost it I kept thinking I messed up on the date I had with X
I also realized I am now afraid to lose her and I am starting to panic about my current situation with her. My dad once told me that one day I might die from having such love for people because my heart would burst from my body.
Shes different from the rest of the girls she is so kind and awkward with people. When I first got to know her I already wanted her for myself but I held back because I was afraid for her to say no. I don't want to repeat 9th grade again. But I hate the idea of hugging myself wishing there was someone there at night.
I hope she does not think I am weird or keeps me as a friend.
I want her so bad but I run out of things to ask or say to her when I am with her. I just frezze up and say stupid things. its soo sad how easy I fall for almost any girl....
I am in love but I cant get myself to admit it because I am afraid to lose her
But I keep asking myself why me when she can have a much better looking man
my life is at a cross roads again on one side she has the same feelings as me and I do the impossible for her on the other she does not like me back and my cold lonely depression comes back...
SCREW IT ALL! LOL!
BRING IT ON WORLD!
I GONE THROUGH HELL AND BACK ALREADY!
1 GIRL WONT KILL ME NOW!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
are going to the movies but me and X are going to chat i guess for 2 hours today she met me at school and we talked for a while it was difficult not starring at her because shes so good looking.
if everything works out fine between me and her I will be really loyal to her it almost seems like shes an angel that fell from the sky
this hole journey after my RSP drills has been really streange for example:
1-the second day I left the army I got a stable job
2-I get approved for a really good platinum credit card in only 1 day
3-I meet X and my life becomes happy again
4-I am going to a collage I can actually afford without financial help!
and this has all happend in about 1month!
if god has ever given me a sign of hope this is it and thanks to him my life is hole again I just hope it lasts
I can finally say my life is happy again.
Dear god i hope this lasts
it has been a while since I had a smile on my face.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I still want to know a lot more about her but I wont force a relationship on her since haveing her around me is good enough for me we usually wont stop messaging each other until 2am
I dream about her at night being attacked by piranha sharks and leopards and every time I save her shes gone when I wake up
anyway im heading to work X is waiting.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
I can almost feel her lips shaking and begging in fear crashing against mine garbing on to me for dear life praying the moment can last for an eternity because she has only seen me in her dreams she cant feel the ground or hear the world around her because she is flying on cloud 9 with me in the sky.